In August of 2019, Austin and I lost the ability to ever have biological children. When we were adopting Caleb, we had hopes of having children through adoption AND pregnancy. When Caleb was 6 months old, those hopes we crushed. After this, I experienced a downward spiral of grief, depression, and anxiety. I had been begging God to give us a baby, and He answered those prayers through Caleb! However, we wanted to give Caleb a sibling. I begged God to give us another, but He didn't answer those prayers in the way I thought He would.
I kept thinking month after month that God would give us our miracle, but He didn't. When I had a hysterectomy at 26 years old, I assumed God's answer to my countless prayers was no.
I bagged up Caleb's clothes as he grew out of each size and gave them away. I sold the high chair, infant car seat, swing, changing table, play mat, baby bath, and allll the baby stuff I could as soon as Caleb no longer needed them. There were people who encouraged me to keep these items "just in case," but it was too painful for me. I tried so hard to convince myself that I didn't want a second child after all, but I was in denial. I went through every stage of grief without even realizing it.
My little sister sent me a song a few nights ago that brought me back to all those sleepless nights filled with tears. I encourage you to listen to the song called "Miracle or Not." The words to this song remind me so much of my feelings and prayers for so long.
"How long will I have to hear the stories of how You were able?
How long will I have to celebrate the miracle that's not my own?
How long will I lift my voice and sing again that You are always good?
As long as it takes for my heart to find its song.
As long as it takes to know I'm still not alone.
At the end of the day,
I will stand right here and say,
I know that You love me,
Miracle or not
How long will I give myself before I give up waiting?
How long will I have to hide behind this smile that says that I'm OK?
How long will I hold on to the promises that I thought I heard You speak,
When every passing day just leaves me broken down and weak?
I will sing till my broken heart believes it.
I'll declare it 'til I smell the smoke of faith.
With my hands held high, I'll scream it in the darkness
'Til hope is finally louder than the ache.
I know that You love me,
Miracle or not."
I understand the pain of waiting. I have seen pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement and wondered why it couldn't be me. Why is it so easy for other people? Why do others get their miracles, but I won't? Why do I have to pay $40,000 to adopt a newborn when others just naturally get pregnant? It's all so frustrating. There have been so many days when I told myself that God is faithful no matter what and that His plan was better. I believed it in my mind, but my heart ached. My heart struggled in a huge way.
The truth is that some of that ache may never go away. It's still so frustrating that Austin and I have to work so hard and pay so much to grow our family.
However, I am getting my miracle. ANOTHER miracle! Caleb was our first little miracle boy! His first mama chose life, and she chose us to adopt her baby! THAT is a miracle! Our next miracle baby is coming soon. I don't know when, but he/she is coming!
The Lord is so good to us that He gives us what He has planned, rather than what we had planned. I'll take His will over mine every single time! I look at our precious Caleb, and all I can think is that I'm so grateful for adoption! Adoption brings miracles! If infertility is what God used to bring us to our next sweet miracle, then I'm thankful. It's very clear that the Lord intended the Starkey family to grow through adoption, and I feel incredible blessed and fortunate to be chosen for this!
I know that He loves me, miracle or not.
But you know what? There will always be a miracle when we are trusting in God. The miracle may come from Him granting our desires. Or the miracle may come through Him changing our hearts. It may come through salvation or complete healing in Heaven. We don't always see the miracles in the moment, but my God is a God of miracles, and they are always there. We just have to keep praying and praising until we see them!
