Caleb is Four!

I haven't written in awhile, so it may be a surprise to read that my precious Caleb is FOUR years old now!
He is funny, smart, loud, energetic, and sweet! I can't fathom this life without that little boy!!

Caleb knows he is adopted; although, he doesn't fully understand what that means yet. He can tell you that he was in Miss Amber's belly, and she was so nice that she gave him to us so we could be his Mommy and Daddy forever, and that means he's adopted! And it's cool to be adopted!!

I look forward to watching Caleb grow and begin to truly understand the meaning of adoption through the years. I pray he is always grateful for his adoption story!

Separated.

 Well, it's been awhile. Almost a year. So much has happened and changed within the last year. 

The biggest change is that Austin and I are separated. Ugh, I hate typing that. It's awful, but unfortunately it's true. Austin moved out on August 3, 2022, and today, March 22, 2023, we are still separated. 

So many things contributed to this separation, and I won't go into all the details. However, I will say that mental health struggles were at the top of the list of issues in our marriage. My mental health declined drastically after my hysterectomy for so many reasons, and it impacted our marriage in a huge way. 

The past 7 1/2 months have been, by far, the hardest of my life. I thought the days of mourning and depression following the hysterectomy were bad, but they don't compare to the pain I've experienced recently. It's been truly terrible. My heart has been overwhelmed with grief, anger, and sadness over this temporary loss of my marriage. I miss my husband more than I could ever describe, and I honestly don't know how to heal what has been broken.

I am wholeheartedly praying for reconciliation. I want it for myself and Austin, but I want it even more for Caleb. In his short 4 years of life, he has already been through so much, and he doesn't even realize it yet. He does not need his parents to split up. He deserves a happy and thriving family, and it's my goal to give it to him.

This has been such a difficult season of life, and I long for it to be over so badly. I want my family back together and my marriage to be healed. Only the Lord knows what lies ahead, and I'm trusting in His perfect will and timing. 

Truth Be Told

 Borderline Personality Disorder.

That sounds crazy. (Oh, I hate that word. Crazy.)

But allow me to explain Borderline Personality Disorder, also known as, BPD.
"Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a condition characterized by difficulties regulating emotion. This means that people who experience BPD feel emotions intensely and for extended periods of time, and it is harder for them to return to a stable baseline after an emotionally triggering event."

That is the definition from the National Alliance on Mental Illness. BPD is an illness that is similar to Bipolar Disorder in many ways; however, people with Bipolar Disorder typically experience 'manic episodes,' whereas people with BPD don't usually experience mania. 

People with BPD may experience rapidly changing moods, impulsive behavior, poor self image, strained relationships, depression, anxiety, feelings of emptiness, intense responses to emotional triggers, and more. Self-harm and suicidal thoughts are also very common.
What BPD is NOT: multiple personalities. (That's a common misconception, but it's not even close to the same condition.)

There is no cure for BPD. There's no magic pill that makes it better; however, proper medication and therapy can absolutely help control the symptoms. BPD is hard. It's unpredictable. It's cruel.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

I was diagnosed in December 2021, but looking back, I can see symptoms for years. Infertility simply exasperated the symptoms to the point of no longer being able to manage it all on my own. My hysterectomy at 26 years old was my "emotionally triggering event" as described in the definition above. I have spent the past few years trying so hard to "get over it" and then wondering why in the world I was still struggling so much. Hello, BPD.

I have experienced strained relationships as I've pushed people away.
I have experienced rapidly changing thoughts and actions, which has led to resigning from positions, deciding to adopt, then deciding not to adopt, deciding to foster, then deciding not to foster, wanting to be a stay at home mom, and then wanting to work. It has been a roller coaster of change.
I have experienced seasons of really dark depression and uncontrollable anxiety.
I have felt completely alone and empty.
And worst of all, I have experienced extreme thoughts of suicide and self-harm.

I've been to counseling. I've tried nearly every medication in the book. I've been to an inpatient hospital twice. I've been to 30 day residential treatment in California. I have prayed. And prayed. And prayed. 

BPD is something I will live with for the rest of my life. It's going to be a daily struggle, but it CAN and it WILL be managed through counseling, medicine, my solid support system, and a powerful God who is working things for my good.

So why am I sharing all of this extremely personal information? Because no one else does. People mention depression and anxiety, almost like it's the common cold that everyone deals with here and there. And that may be true. But true mental illness goes far beyond situational or seasonal depression and/or anxiety. Borderline Personality Disorder comes with symptoms I pray others never experience. It's hard on me, but it's just as hard on my husband and family. We have all been through the wringer mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially just trying to deal with this. 

Others need to know that mental illness doesn't make you crazy. (There's that ugly word again.) It doesn't mean there's no hope. It means your brain is wired a little differently. Maybe due to genetics. Maybe due to some kind of trauma. Maybe it's just simply the way God made you. Regardless, there needs to be more discussion about mental health. People need to know they are not alone, and help is attainable! There is absolutely no reason to suffer alone in silence out of fear or embarrassment. 

There's a Christian song that has been on my heart this week. "Truth Be Told" by Matthew West. Look it up on YouTube. It's great! But I'm going to share the lyrics here at the end. We can't fix the problem if we never admit there is one. So start talking. It doesn't have to be all over social media like I am! (I'm a little weird!) But talk to your spouse, friend, church leader, a counselor, or SOMEONE who will listen. You can talk to me! But start with talking to Jesus!

TRUTH BE TOLD-MATTHEW WEST
"Lie number one you're supposed to have it all together
And when they ask how you're doing
Just smile and tell them, "Never better"

Lie number 2 everybody's life is perfect except yours
So keep your messes and your wounds
And your secrets safe with you behind closed doors

Truth be told
The truth is rarely told, now

I say I'm fine, yeah I'm fine oh I'm fine, hey I'm fine but I'm not
I'm broken
And when it's out of control I say it's under control, but it's not
And you know it
I don't know why it's so hard to admit it
When being honest is the only way to fix it
There's no failure, no fall
There's no sin you don't already know
So let the truth be told

There's a sign on the door, says, "Come as you are" but I doubt it
'Cause if we lived like it was true, every Sunday morning pew would be crowded
But didn't you say the church should look more like a hospital
A safe place for the sick, the sinner and the scarred and the prodigals
Like me

Well truth be told
The truth is rarely told
Oh am I the only one who says

I'm fine, yeah I'm fine oh I'm fine, hey I'm fine but I'm not
I'm broken
And when it's out of control I say it's under control but it's not
And you know it
I don't know why it's so hard to admit it
When being honest is the only way to fix it
There's no failure, no fall
There's no sin you don't already know
So let the truth be told

Can I really stand here unashamed
Knowin' that you love for me won't change?
Oh God if that's really true
Then let the truth be told

I say I'm fine, yeah I'm fine oh I'm fine, hey I'm fine but I'm not
I'm broken
And when it's out of control I say it's under control but it's not
And you know it
I don't know why it's so hard to admit it
When being honest is the only way to fix it
There's no failure, no fall
There's no sin you don't already know
Yeah I know

There's no failure, no fall
There's no sin you don't already know
So let the truth be told."

We're Not Adopting

Austin and I decided, after much prayer, that we are not going to adopt again. We actually made this decision about two months ago, and as soon as the decision was made, I felt like a burden was lifted from me. I still have so much healing to do with my mental health, and focusing on adoption just can't be a priority. Of course, the Lord may have different plans down the road, but right now we know we are meant to remain a family of three, and I'm okay with that. I still get sad at pregnancy announcements, but I love the sweet baby I have, and I feel incredibly blessed and fortunate to be his forever mana!

I know That You Love Me, Miracle or Not.

In August of 2019, Austin and I lost the ability to ever have biological children. When we were adopting Caleb, we had hopes of having children through adoption AND pregnancy. When Caleb was 6 months old, those hopes we crushed. After this, I experienced a downward spiral of grief, depression, and anxiety. I had been begging God to give us a baby, and He answered those prayers through Caleb! However, we wanted to give Caleb a sibling. I begged God to give us another, but He didn't answer those prayers in the way I thought He would.

I kept thinking month after month that God would give us our miracle, but He didn't. When I had a hysterectomy at 26 years old, I assumed God's answer to my countless prayers was no. 

I bagged up Caleb's clothes as he grew out of each size and gave them away. I sold the high chair, infant car seat, swing, changing table, play mat, baby bath, and allll the baby stuff I could as soon as Caleb no longer needed them. There were people who encouraged me to keep these items "just in case," but it was too painful for me. I tried so hard to convince myself that I didn't want a second child after all, but I was in denial. I went through every stage of grief without even realizing it. 

My little sister sent me a song a few nights ago that brought me back to all those sleepless nights filled with tears. I encourage you to listen to the song called "Miracle or Not." The words to this song remind me so much of my feelings and prayers for so long.

"How long will I have to hear the stories of how You were able?
How long will I have to celebrate the miracle that's not my own?
How long will I lift my voice and sing again that You are always good?

As long as it takes for my heart to find its song.
As long as it takes to know I'm still not alone.
At the end of the day,
I will stand right here and say,
I know that You love me,
Miracle or not

How long will I give myself before I give up waiting?
How long will I have to hide behind this smile that says that I'm OK?
How long will I hold on to the promises that I thought I heard You speak,
When every passing day just leaves me broken down and weak?

I will sing till my broken heart believes it.
I'll declare it 'til I smell the smoke of faith.
With my hands held high, I'll scream it in the darkness
'Til hope is finally louder than the ache.

I know that You love me,
Miracle or not."

I understand the pain of waiting. I have seen pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement and wondered why it couldn't be me. Why is it so easy for other people? Why do others get their miracles, but I won't? Why do I have to pay $40,000 to adopt a newborn when others just naturally get pregnant? It's all so frustrating. There have been so many days when I told myself that God is faithful no matter what and that His plan was better. I believed it in my mind, but my heart ached. My heart struggled in a huge way.

The truth is that some of that ache may never go away. It's still so frustrating that Austin and I have to work so hard and pay so much to grow our family.
However, I am getting my miracle. ANOTHER miracle! Caleb was our first little miracle boy! His first mama chose life, and she chose us to adopt her baby! THAT is a miracle! Our next miracle baby is coming soon. I don't know when, but he/she is coming! 

The Lord is so good to us that He gives us what He has planned, rather than what we had planned. I'll take His will over mine every single time! I look at our precious Caleb, and all I can think is that I'm so grateful for adoption! Adoption brings miracles! If infertility is what God used to bring us to our next sweet miracle, then I'm thankful. It's very clear that the Lord intended the Starkey family to grow through adoption, and I feel incredible blessed and fortunate to be chosen for this! 

I know that He loves me, miracle or not. 
But you know what? There will always be a miracle when we are trusting in God. The miracle may come from Him granting our desires. Or the miracle may come through Him changing our hearts. It may come through salvation or complete healing in Heaven. We don't always see the miracles in the moment, but my God is a God of miracles, and they are always there. We just have to keep praying and praising until we see them!

Remember Who Your Enemy Is

It's no secret that our nation is severely divided. There has always been division, but these days seem extra bad. 

White vs. Black

Black Lives Matter vs. Back the Blue

Mask vs. No Mask

Open the Country vs. Shutdowns

Republican vs. Democrat

Conservative vs. Liberal

Trump vs. Biden

Person vs. Person

Social media, emails, tv, radio, signs, billboards...

The division is EVERYWHERE. And I don't know about you, but for me it's exhausting.

Last year we adopted the absolute most precious baby boy! Caleb has brought so much joy to our lives, and we are forever grateful for that crazy little boy! All I want for him is to grow up to love Jesus and others. I want him to work hard and be kind. I want him to stand up for what is biblically right while loving on every person he meets. I want him to be strong and courageous. I want him to seek God's will above anything else and use His Word to discern what is right in this world. I want him to one day be known as a faithful man of God who leads by example and looks for opportunities to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

I want him to always recognize that as a Christian, his enemy will never be flesh and blood. It's not the candidate we don't like. It's not the politics that drive us crazy. It's not the worldwide pandemic that has completely changed our lives. It's not the people on social media who seem to be looking for an argument. It's not the movements and "activists" who try to stir up hate.

No. Those are not our enemies. 

Ephesians 6:12 says, "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places."

YALL. In other words, our enemy is Satan. He causes dissension. He is the king of hate. He is evil. And if you are a born again Christ follower, he is your enemy. 

When you find yourself getting anxious or angry about the wickedness and division in our world, be sure to direct the feelings in the right place. It's not people. Sure, they may do or say things that frustrate, anger, or hurt us, but those are people we are called to love. Even when it feels so hard. Believe me, I'm just as guilty as anyone. The past few months have hurt me so much. It has been so very hard to see the negative comments about race AND the negative comments about law enforcement. It's all so overwhelming as a police wife with a black child. But I've had to really stop myself lately and remember that it's my job to simply love. My enemy has already been defeated when Jesus defeated the grave. I know how the story ends. My place in Heaven is secure. Now I have to focus on sharing the Good News with all those around me, even when it feels hard.

American Idol Had Me Sobbing

I've watched American Idol since I was a kid. I remember watching it with my parents when I was younger, and now that it's back, Austin and I watch every season! We like to laugh at the 'not so good' singers, and we marvel at the great ones! We offer our own critiques, and we love watching Lionel, Katy, and Luke go back and forth with one another.

American Idol auditions are known to have plenty of back stories that pull at your emotions, but there was one this week that left me crying like a baby!

Austin and I were behind two episodes and got caught up a couple nights ago. We watched the final audition episode first, and there was a contestant who caught my attention. Amber Fiedler. Amber walked in with her bright red hair and a big smile on her face. She was obviously pregnant and revealed that she was due in just two weeks! Katy Perry asked the gender. Girl. Then she asked if Amber had a name chosen yet. This is when Amber explained that she was actually placing the baby for adoption.

Cue tears! Austin looked at me instantly because he knew what was coming.

Amber explained that she was raised by her grandmother and had had a rough life. She knew she was not ready to be a mother, so she felt adoption was the best choice for the child. She went on to sing her audition song, she did a fantastic job, and she got the gold ticket to Hollywood!

Austin and I watched the first episode of Hollywood week next. Amber sang toward the very end of the episode. This episode was filmed just three weeks after she gave birth. She came on stage, and the judges asked how she was doing. Then we saw the most precious photos of this young woman with a beautiful baby girl. She explained what a joyous moment it was to see her daughter with her adoptive family. She broke down in tears in her interview and said the baby girl brought a lot of light to her life.

Y'all. I broke down. Like hands covering my face, shaking, tears streaming, broke down. Austin paused the tv as I wept.

I've been on the other side. I've been the adoptive mom excitedly and happily holding my new baby boy! I've met the woman who placed him with us. I've communicated with her for over a year now. I can't begin to fathom the pain, but I know it's there.

I beg each person who reads this to please open the link I'm copying below and watch the videos of Amber Fiedler on American Idol, especially the first video in the article. Watch the pain on her face as she breaks down into tears. Imagine all the emotions. I'm going to pause my writing. I'm putting a link here next, and I'm going to go watch it again myself. Please go do the same and then come back and finish reading! (You may have to actually copy and paste the link into another window!)

https://www.liveaction.org/news/pregnant-american-idol-contestant-adoption/?fbclid=IwAR3kMts3aE5tBphS74QBxeKNb2WSljfu3bdPlsnLbYWpdju7pyx_3ZiMobo

Did you see the love on her face in the photos with the baby? Did you see the pain as she cried? What you just witnessed is one of the most selfless acts of love imaginable. She chose life for her baby girl, and because of the state of her life, she didn't feel she would be able to provide the life that little girl deserved, so she chose adoption.

I will preach this until my dying day: adoption is BEAUTIFUL! It's so full of pain, grief, and loss, but it's full of joy too. I sat there on my bed, with my husband next to me, tv paused, and I wept. And to tell you the truth, I'm crying again right now. I watched this beautiful young woman pour her heart out on national tv, and all I could do was think about our precious 'Mama A.' I thought about that day when I hugged her in a hospital room in North Carolina, and I so badly wanted to wrap her up in a hug right then.

I pray Amber Fiedler is an inspiration to other women going through a similar situation. I pray she inspires others to rise up, just as she sang so beautifully. I pray other women who have already placed a child for adoption see her strength and are able to find their own. I pray young women considering adoption will do what's best for their unborn child. I pray adoptive families will see this and be reminded of the immense love it takes to do what Amber Fiedler, 'Mama A,' and so many other women have done. I also pray that all who aren't personally impacted by adoption and may have a negative view of birth mothers will watch this and see the selflessness involved.

I love our sweet 'Mama A.' I hope and pray she feels the love of Jesus through us and that she continues to find peace and joy through pictures of Caleb. (I mean, who couldn't?! He's perfect!) And I also hope Amber Fiedler wins this season of American Idol and goes on to achieve great things!

So as this season of American Idol continues, I can guarantee you there will be more tears from me! At least as long as Amber Fiedler continues!