I've watched American Idol since I was a kid. I remember watching it with my parents when I was younger, and now that it's back, Austin and I watch every season! We like to laugh at the 'not so good' singers, and we marvel at the great ones! We offer our own critiques, and we love watching Lionel, Katy, and Luke go back and forth with one another.
American Idol auditions are known to have plenty of back stories that pull at your emotions, but there was one this week that left me crying like a baby!
Austin and I were behind two episodes and got caught up a couple nights ago. We watched the final audition episode first, and there was a contestant who caught my attention. Amber Fiedler. Amber walked in with her bright red hair and a big smile on her face. She was obviously pregnant and revealed that she was due in just two weeks! Katy Perry asked the gender. Girl. Then she asked if Amber had a name chosen yet. This is when Amber explained that she was actually placing the baby for adoption.
Cue tears! Austin looked at me instantly because he knew what was coming.
Amber explained that she was raised by her grandmother and had had a rough life. She knew she was not ready to be a mother, so she felt adoption was the best choice for the child. She went on to sing her audition song, she did a fantastic job, and she got the gold ticket to Hollywood!
Austin and I watched the first episode of Hollywood week next. Amber sang toward the very end of the episode. This episode was filmed just three weeks after she gave birth. She came on stage, and the judges asked how she was doing. Then we saw the most precious photos of this young woman with a beautiful baby girl. She explained what a joyous moment it was to see her daughter with her adoptive family. She broke down in tears in her interview and said the baby girl brought a lot of light to her life.
Y'all. I broke down. Like hands covering my face, shaking, tears streaming, broke down. Austin paused the tv as I wept.
I've been on the other side. I've been the adoptive mom excitedly and happily holding my new baby boy! I've met the woman who placed him with us. I've communicated with her for over a year now. I can't begin to fathom the pain, but I know it's there.
I beg each person who reads this to please open the link I'm copying below and watch the videos of Amber Fiedler on American Idol, especially the first video in the article. Watch the pain on her face as she breaks down into tears. Imagine all the emotions. I'm going to pause my writing. I'm putting a link here next, and I'm going to go watch it again myself. Please go do the same and then come back and finish reading! (You may have to actually copy and paste the link into another window!)
https://www.liveaction.org/news/pregnant-american-idol-contestant-adoption/?fbclid=IwAR3kMts3aE5tBphS74QBxeKNb2WSljfu3bdPlsnLbYWpdju7pyx_3ZiMobo
Did you see the love on her face in the photos with the baby? Did you see the pain as she cried? What you just witnessed is one of the most selfless acts of love imaginable. She chose life for her baby girl, and because of the state of her life, she didn't feel she would be able to provide the life that little girl deserved, so she chose adoption.
I will preach this until my dying day: adoption is BEAUTIFUL! It's so full of pain, grief, and loss, but it's full of joy too. I sat there on my bed, with my husband next to me, tv paused, and I wept. And to tell you the truth, I'm crying again right now. I watched this beautiful young woman pour her heart out on national tv, and all I could do was think about our precious 'Mama A.' I thought about that day when I hugged her in a hospital room in North Carolina, and I so badly wanted to wrap her up in a hug right then.
I pray Amber Fiedler is an inspiration to other women going through a similar situation. I pray she inspires others to rise up, just as she sang so beautifully. I pray other women who have already placed a child for adoption see her strength and are able to find their own. I pray young women considering adoption will do what's best for their unborn child. I pray adoptive families will see this and be reminded of the immense love it takes to do what Amber Fiedler, 'Mama A,' and so many other women have done. I also pray that all who aren't personally impacted by adoption and may have a negative view of birth mothers will watch this and see the selflessness involved.
I love our sweet 'Mama A.' I hope and pray she feels the love of Jesus through us and that she continues to find peace and joy through pictures of Caleb. (I mean, who couldn't?! He's perfect!) And I also hope Amber Fiedler wins this season of American Idol and goes on to achieve great things!
So as this season of American Idol continues, I can guarantee you there will be more tears from me! At least as long as Amber Fiedler continues!
Friday, March 20, 2020
Monday, March 16, 2020
The Phases Fade
Caleb is 13 months old, and he has become a major CLIMBER. He has been climbing on things for a few months now, but over the past few days, he's become a pro. We can't leave him in a room at all anymore without coming back to find him on top of something or climbing over a barricade. It's cute sometimes, but it's so incredibly frustrating at times too! I know injuries and a bumped head are inevitable, but with how he's climbing and diving into the things, I'm so afraid he's going to really get hurt!
This evening, Austin went to work, and Caleb turned into a monster. He was whiny and crying and clinging to me. He was so mad that I wouldn't let him climb on chairs. He got so mad that he threw himself backward from a standing position, all the way to the floor. He hit his head pretty hard on the living room floor. I'm sure it hurt, but he was fine. I told him he was fine and consoled him at the same time. As I was holding my screaming child who was exhausted and just being terrible, I was flooded with frustration. He was in the middle of a tantrum. He had just hit his head. He still wanted to climb on the chair. He wouldn't eat. He wouldn't drink. I felt helpless.
Finally I decided to just put him to bed a little early. The whole time I got him ready for bed, he cried. I put him on the changing table. He screamed. I tried to hand him a tube of diaper rash cream because he likes to play with something as I change him. He threw the tube across the room. I took his pants off him, and he straightened his legs and wouldn't bend them. At all. I tried to get a pair of footed pjs on him, but he wouldn't cooperate. The pjs were a bit small, so I couldn't get his leg in them with how he was behaving. I tossed them to the side and grabbed a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt. I finally got clothes on him, and I picked him up. He threw his head back because he was STILL screaming and crying, and I nearly dropped him. I turned on his music box, handed him his cup of milk, told him I loved him and goodnight, and I put him in his bed and walked out.
Two minutes later, he was asleep, and I was sitting in the living room in complete silence. I thought to myself, "This phase needs to end."
This phase of not eating anything. The phase of temper tantrums. The phase of climbing on everything. The phase of scratching.
But then another thought hit me, and I know it was from the Lord. "All the phases have faded without you even realizing it."
The phase of baby coos.
The phase of being held like a newborn.
The phase of smiles in his sleep.
The phase of sleeping on me quietly in church.
The phase of sweet smelling Dreft detergent.
The phase of trying sooo hard to utter his first words.
The phase of coaching him on how to roll, crawl, and walk.
The hard ones faded as well. The multiple nighttime feedings. The spit up. The heavy carseat carrier being lugged around. The constant bottles to wash. The screaming for the pacifier.
They all faded slowly, without me even realizing it. Suddenly it just hit me one day that my baby didn't like being held like a baby anymore and his baby coos had turned to words and yells! I just suddenly looked back and noticed certain things had stopped.
The same will be true for the current phase. One day he'll learn that climbing on furniture has consequences, whether it be an injury or discipline. One day he'll understand that he either eats his food or goes hungry. One day he'll learn to use words instead of tantrums when he's upset.
But one day he'll stop hurrying to mommy when he bumps his head. One day he won't need the music box to fall asleep. One day he'll put pajamas on by himself. It will all fade over time, the good, the bad, the hard, and everything in between. My baby has already faded into a toddler, and one day my toddler will fade into a big kid, who will then fade into a teen, and eventually an adult. It will happen gradually and quickly at the same time, and I pray I savor it all. Yes, nights like tonight will leave me frustrated and tired, and that's okay. As tired as I am, I'm so beyond grateful for each and every phase.
This evening, Austin went to work, and Caleb turned into a monster. He was whiny and crying and clinging to me. He was so mad that I wouldn't let him climb on chairs. He got so mad that he threw himself backward from a standing position, all the way to the floor. He hit his head pretty hard on the living room floor. I'm sure it hurt, but he was fine. I told him he was fine and consoled him at the same time. As I was holding my screaming child who was exhausted and just being terrible, I was flooded with frustration. He was in the middle of a tantrum. He had just hit his head. He still wanted to climb on the chair. He wouldn't eat. He wouldn't drink. I felt helpless.
Finally I decided to just put him to bed a little early. The whole time I got him ready for bed, he cried. I put him on the changing table. He screamed. I tried to hand him a tube of diaper rash cream because he likes to play with something as I change him. He threw the tube across the room. I took his pants off him, and he straightened his legs and wouldn't bend them. At all. I tried to get a pair of footed pjs on him, but he wouldn't cooperate. The pjs were a bit small, so I couldn't get his leg in them with how he was behaving. I tossed them to the side and grabbed a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt. I finally got clothes on him, and I picked him up. He threw his head back because he was STILL screaming and crying, and I nearly dropped him. I turned on his music box, handed him his cup of milk, told him I loved him and goodnight, and I put him in his bed and walked out.
Two minutes later, he was asleep, and I was sitting in the living room in complete silence. I thought to myself, "This phase needs to end."
This phase of not eating anything. The phase of temper tantrums. The phase of climbing on everything. The phase of scratching.
But then another thought hit me, and I know it was from the Lord. "All the phases have faded without you even realizing it."
The phase of baby coos.
The phase of being held like a newborn.
The phase of smiles in his sleep.
The phase of sleeping on me quietly in church.
The phase of sweet smelling Dreft detergent.
The phase of trying sooo hard to utter his first words.
The phase of coaching him on how to roll, crawl, and walk.
The hard ones faded as well. The multiple nighttime feedings. The spit up. The heavy carseat carrier being lugged around. The constant bottles to wash. The screaming for the pacifier.
They all faded slowly, without me even realizing it. Suddenly it just hit me one day that my baby didn't like being held like a baby anymore and his baby coos had turned to words and yells! I just suddenly looked back and noticed certain things had stopped.
The same will be true for the current phase. One day he'll learn that climbing on furniture has consequences, whether it be an injury or discipline. One day he'll understand that he either eats his food or goes hungry. One day he'll learn to use words instead of tantrums when he's upset.
But one day he'll stop hurrying to mommy when he bumps his head. One day he won't need the music box to fall asleep. One day he'll put pajamas on by himself. It will all fade over time, the good, the bad, the hard, and everything in between. My baby has already faded into a toddler, and one day my toddler will fade into a big kid, who will then fade into a teen, and eventually an adult. It will happen gradually and quickly at the same time, and I pray I savor it all. Yes, nights like tonight will leave me frustrated and tired, and that's okay. As tired as I am, I'm so beyond grateful for each and every phase.
Friday, March 6, 2020
Wonderfully Awful
My cousin, Brandy, and I were texting back and forth a few weeks ago about our children. Between the two of us, we have four boys ages 3 and down! Noah-3, Judah-almost 2, Caleb-1, Micah-almost 1. A few weeks ago I sent Brandy a picture of Caleb in his first birthday outfit, and we went back and forth about how adorable he is and how we couldn't believe he was about to be a year old. Then we discussed how bittersweet it is to watch them all grow up. We talked about how motherhood is awful and wonderful all the same time. Brandy said, "Wonderfully awful. That needs to be the title of your next blog post!" Haha! So here it is!
I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mom! I love kids of all ages, and I always thought I was pretty good with kids. I worked with them at church, babysat, and became a teacher. I spoiled all the children in my life, and I had quite a bit of experience with children from birth to teenagers by the time I actually became a mom. I honestly thought I knew what to expect!
HAHAHAHA!
Yeah, I didn't! Sure, I was already a pro at changing diapers, and I had that natural baby hold/rock/bounce thing most moms have. Spit up didn't bother me, and I had learned some tricks for quieting a screaming baby. Blah, blah, blah. I was good with babies, but motherhood was a whole new beast.
I wasn't prepared for the wonderfully awful aspect of motherhood!
Like when you wake up to a wall of STANK coming from your infant's room, and you walk in to find a poop catastrophe E.V.E.R.Y.W.H.E.R.E.
Like when your baby screams every.single.time he's in the car. Like uncontrollable, top of his lungs, how is he even producing this sound kind of screaming.
Like when you look in your rearview mirror to find your toddler EATING HIS POOP. (Stolen from Brandy!)
Like when you try to give your child a fresh cup with a drink inside, but he insists on keeping the old cup. And he wants it empty.
Like when you are being very stern and getting on to your toddler, and he laughs at you.
Like when spit up is in your hair or on your shirt for four months straight.
Like when your baby gets really sick for the first time.
Like when you're losing your mind because you just need to get out of the house and talk to grown-ups, but your sick baby just wants to snuggle with mom while he drips snot all over you.
Like when you have to help nurses restrain your perfect little boy while they repeatedly attempt to start an IV because he's so dehydrated.
Like when tears are streaming down your cheeks because you know he'll soon forget this pain, but you'll remember this moment forever, and you'd give anything to take his pain away.
Like when you rock his precious little sleeping body and you suddenly realize he'll never be this little again.
Like when you listen to his giggle and wish so badly you could bottle up this moment to save forever!
Like when you see him take his first steps, and you know his world just got bigger, and you want so badly to protect him from it!
Like when you sit through graduations of older children, and someone says, "That'll be yours in the blink of an eye." And you want to hit the person and thank them for reminding you to treasure each moment all at once!
Like when you put him in his crib at night and look down at him and think, "One day you'll be gone from this house and in one of your own with a family, so I'm going to pick you back up and snuggle you a bit longer tonight."
Like when you pray for your little one and talk to him about Jesus even at a young age when he doesn't understand, and you realize that as much as you love that tiny little boy, His Creator loves Him EVEN MORE.
Y'all, it's wonderful to watch. And it's awful on your heart and emotions in the best possible way! The task of raising tiny little babies into strong, bold, and faithful men and women is huge. Saying, "it goes too fast," is so cliche, but it's TRUE! Austin and I are just one year in, but this one year has been the fastest of our lives. Motherhood is hard. It's messy. It's exhausting. It's filled with smells and all kinds of bodily fluids. It's awful! But goodness, it sure is wonderful!
I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mom! I love kids of all ages, and I always thought I was pretty good with kids. I worked with them at church, babysat, and became a teacher. I spoiled all the children in my life, and I had quite a bit of experience with children from birth to teenagers by the time I actually became a mom. I honestly thought I knew what to expect!
HAHAHAHA!
Yeah, I didn't! Sure, I was already a pro at changing diapers, and I had that natural baby hold/rock/bounce thing most moms have. Spit up didn't bother me, and I had learned some tricks for quieting a screaming baby. Blah, blah, blah. I was good with babies, but motherhood was a whole new beast.
I wasn't prepared for the wonderfully awful aspect of motherhood!
Like when you wake up to a wall of STANK coming from your infant's room, and you walk in to find a poop catastrophe E.V.E.R.Y.W.H.E.R.E.
Like when your baby screams every.single.time he's in the car. Like uncontrollable, top of his lungs, how is he even producing this sound kind of screaming.
Like when you look in your rearview mirror to find your toddler EATING HIS POOP. (Stolen from Brandy!)
Like when you try to give your child a fresh cup with a drink inside, but he insists on keeping the old cup. And he wants it empty.
Like when you are being very stern and getting on to your toddler, and he laughs at you.
Like when spit up is in your hair or on your shirt for four months straight.
Like when your baby gets really sick for the first time.
Like when you're losing your mind because you just need to get out of the house and talk to grown-ups, but your sick baby just wants to snuggle with mom while he drips snot all over you.
Like when you have to help nurses restrain your perfect little boy while they repeatedly attempt to start an IV because he's so dehydrated.
Like when tears are streaming down your cheeks because you know he'll soon forget this pain, but you'll remember this moment forever, and you'd give anything to take his pain away.
Like when you rock his precious little sleeping body and you suddenly realize he'll never be this little again.
Like when you listen to his giggle and wish so badly you could bottle up this moment to save forever!
Like when you see him take his first steps, and you know his world just got bigger, and you want so badly to protect him from it!
Like when you sit through graduations of older children, and someone says, "That'll be yours in the blink of an eye." And you want to hit the person and thank them for reminding you to treasure each moment all at once!
Like when you put him in his crib at night and look down at him and think, "One day you'll be gone from this house and in one of your own with a family, so I'm going to pick you back up and snuggle you a bit longer tonight."
Like when you pray for your little one and talk to him about Jesus even at a young age when he doesn't understand, and you realize that as much as you love that tiny little boy, His Creator loves Him EVEN MORE.
Y'all, it's wonderful to watch. And it's awful on your heart and emotions in the best possible way! The task of raising tiny little babies into strong, bold, and faithful men and women is huge. Saying, "it goes too fast," is so cliche, but it's TRUE! Austin and I are just one year in, but this one year has been the fastest of our lives. Motherhood is hard. It's messy. It's exhausting. It's filled with smells and all kinds of bodily fluids. It's awful! But goodness, it sure is wonderful!
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