This year has completely caught up to me. I'm tired.
I've said that I'm excited about a million times in the past two months. It's true! I AM EXCITED! I can't accurately describe how excited I am to one day, prayerfully soon, bring a sweet baby home. However, I don't think I've really explained that I'm also tired. Exhausted. Emotional.
Here are a few reasons why I have cried just in the past few days:
1. I watched a video of Sophie at her Christmas program from two years ago. I just couldn't believe how quickly time is flying!
2. Austin read sweet notes from some of my students.
3. I started season 6 of The Ranch. I won't spoil it, but there were some REALLY sad tears and some REALLY happy tears.
4. I thought about how badly I long to adopt and how badly I long to have a biological child. I want BOTH.
5. I was tired.
Ugghhhhh! Exhaustion intensifies ALL emotions.
I'm so tired, but I'm mostly tired of being so stinkin emotional. As I watch tv, a diaper commercial will come on. I'll see a tiny little baby with that sappy music playing and a woman smiling happily at her newborn, and I'll cry.
I'll see a tv show where a baby is born, and I'm done before it even begins! Insta-tears! I watch a woman in the show go through intense labor. She's in pain. She's exhausted. She's scared. Then she hears a little cry. Suddenly all the pain, all the worry, all the exhaustion is forgotten. She listens to the cry of her newborn child and begins asking the doctor if the baby is okay. The doctor says yes and places the little one on the new mama's chest, and that mom begins to cry. The dad is watching in awe! He's amazed at what his wife has just done. He's overcome with emotion as he looks at his child for the first time and realizes he's a dad! They both wipe tears and can't believe the gift they have just received.
And meanwhile, Whitney is on the other side of the tv screen just blubbering and praying her time will come and then looking at her husband saying, "I want a baby!"
There's truly no telling how many times this scenario has happened. Even on shows I've seen countless times. On Friends when Rachel looks at Emma for the first time and says, "I know you." Oh my gosh! Then, later in the series, when Monica looks at her newborn adopted baby boy and says, "I'm going to love you so much that no woman is ever going to be good enough for you!" I laugh and say, "That's going to be me!" And just last night, we were watching the I Love Lucy Christmas special. There is a flashback scene where Lucy tells Ricky she's going to have a baby, and Ricky sings, "We're Having a Baby, My Baby and Me." I long for these moments. Through adoption AND through biological birth. I want them both, and I pray for them both every single day.
There seems to be constantly something to do. Fix the profile book. Fill out another form. Search for different ways to raise money. Apply for grants. I am MORE than happy to do whatever it takes to bring home our sweet Baby Starkey. I'm also extremely worn out. Adoption is hard work. It's time consuming. It's expensive. It's emotional. As happy and excited as I am to be on this journey, I'm also frustrated that we aren't having a biological child, and who knows when we ever will! (Please understand, I DO NOT mean I wish we were having a biological baby INSTEAD OF adopting! I want both so badly. I can't even describe it! We could find out we're expecting today, and we would continue on our adoption journey. We could adopt a baby today, and we would continue praying for a biological baby too!)
Anyways, I've gone on far too long. There are just so many things going on. So many things to do. So many possibilities. So many fears. So many emotions. Christmas break is almost here, and it's much needed! (Thanksgiving break was completely consumed by our auction, which was FANTASTIC, but it didn't allow for much downtime at all!) This break is arriving at the perfect time, and I'm trusting in the Lord to give me rest. His Word says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."-Matthew 11:28-30
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