Physical Pain

Trying to find the right words for this past has been difficult. How do you accurately put into words all the feelings and thoughts you have experienced for about a year and a half that have all led to a life changing surgery that caused you to know 100% that you will NEVER carry a biological child? Well, here goes.

I have experienced physical pain for about a year in a half. This pain has at times been debilitating. Austin went on two different beach trips with our family during the summer of 2018, one to Florida, and one to Galveston. BOTH trips were spent primarily in bed and away from our family and the memories we should have been making all because I was crying and hunched over in pain. I had surgery that summer thinking it was going to solve everything. It didn't. I went to work each day to teach my 8th grade students, and on good days, I had a dull ache on and off all day. On the bad days, I couldn't get out of bed. I wasn't myself as a teacher, which was crushing for me. I spent so much time on the couch and in bed. Austin and I missed countless events. I can vividly remember last year my oldest niece's birthday party was planned for shortly after Christmas at Urban Air. As the party approached, I knew I was going to go to the party, but I was going to have to sit on the sidelines because I was feeling so bad. For those who know me, you know I'm not a sideline kind of aunt! I'm a sign the waiver, put on some socks, and jump at the trampoline park for my niece kind of aunt. It killed me to know I was going to miss that. (She ended up getting sick the day of her party, and I was actually feeling decent the day it was rescheduled!) However, that day when I thought I was going to casually sit down and miss out on the fun with my sweet niece was a day I'll never forget. It was the day when I knew something had to be done. Austin and I were in the middle of our adoption journey, and I hated the thought of having to sit on the sidelines as a mom because I was in pain. It couldn't happen.

Caleb was born in February. BEST DAY EVER!! We brought our precious son home, and the physical pain not only continued, but it intensified. Around the very end of the April 2019, the daily pain was severe. I could barely get out of bed. I missed about two weeks of work. (After missing 6 weeks for maternity leave!) My paycheck was dwindling. My emotions were a wreck. Austin was running himself ragged taking care of everything. It was one of the most difficult times of not just our marriage, but my life. I went to the doctor and was extremely frank with him. I explained how this pain was consuming my life. I told him I was ready for something drastic. The doctor prescribed monthly injections for three months. These injections were an intense chemotherapy type drug that would put my body into temporary menopause. The next three months would determine what would happen long term after the injections.

I got my first injection in May 2019. Each shot very expensive even after insurance, but we were out of options. The pain intensified after the first injection for about a week, and then it went away! It was like a miracle! I felt like a new person! However, there were negative side effects too. All the typical side effects of menopause. Hot flashes, moodiness, and insomnia were very bad for me, especially the insomnia. I had another injection in June, and the last was in July. The insomnia was terrible. Austin went to the night shift, and there were some nights when he would get home around 6:30 am, and I hadn't even been to sleep yet. I was enjoying a pain free life, but I still wasn't free!Around mid August, the pain returned. I had a follow up appointment with my doctor to discuss the shots, and he explained that we could monitor the pain and try some of the things we had already tried in the past again, but a hysterectomy may be the next step of nothing else works. Austin and Caleb were both with me in the doctor's office. I teared up as I asked the doctor if we could skip the stuff we've already tried and just skip straight to the surgery. I explained that I already have a precious son, and I have to be present for him. I want to enjoy HIM! I couldn't live in daily pain in hopes that MAYBE, SOMEDAY, we could POSSIBLY have a biological child, all while missing out on the perfect child we already have. If a hysterectomy would give me my life back, that's what I wanted, and the doctor agreed.

Surgery was scheduled for August 30, 2019 in Waxahachie. I felt relieved, nervous, sad, and excited all at once. The day finally arrived. Surgery was planned for 1:30 pm, and we were supposed to arrive around 11:30. A nurse took my back to the pre op area to begin getting ready. I was so nervous. Austin was the only person back with me, as several family members waited in the waiting area. Austin prayed with me in the prep room, which is exactly what I needed. This was definitely not my first surgery experience, but it somehow felt different. Different nurses were in and out to give me the hospital gown and lovely socks, set up the IV, check vitals, etc. There was one nurse in particular who was in there the majority of the time. She had us laughing, and she kept me completely distracted as everything was happening. If she left the room and someone else came in, I could feel my nerves skyrocket. She'd come back in and tell some joke, and I was at ease once again. (Let's all pause to appreciate good nurses! Nurses who can calm your fears through humor or kindness or whatever their specialty is. I was so grateful for this nurse at Baylor Waxahachie, and I made sure to let staff above her know!) It was almost time to go back to the OR, and Austin asked if the rest of my family could come back to see me. A couple minutes later, in walked my mom, dad, little sister, my Nanny, and my Nana and Bawbaw! We all talked and laughed for a few minutes, and then it was time to go. They wheeled me to the OR, and this is where things start to get fuzzy due to the anesthesia.

I woke up later to the sound of Austin's voice and a different nurse nearby. Listen, I've been known to get extra emotional and chatty on anesthesia. (There's videos from the past that still haunt me! LOL) I don't think I said anything too goofy this time. I know it took me awhile to finally open my eyes. I was talked to the nurse and Austin without looking at them. Austin fed me ice chips, and I kept telling the nurse she was doing a great job. I could feel them wheeling me to a room to stay overnight. I remember hearing someone else mention that the nurse was pregnant, and I groggily congratulated her. I wish I had opened my eyes. I remember holding a conversation with this sweet nurse, but I never saw her face! I finally really woke up and saw family. The pain was manageable thanks to pain meds. I can remember one of the night nurses came in and instructed me to cough because it was supposed to help prevent pneumonia. I like to think I'm usually a pretty compliant and kind patient, but I wasn't having it with that nurse. I just had four incisions in my abdomen, and this lady was telling me to cough! I refused, and cried, and I'm pretty sure she was irritated by me! Oh well!

The night went on, and naturally neither Austin or I could get much sleep in the hospital. I got up to move around at 3:30 am because I was going crazy! I got the go home around the middle of the day, and I was so happy!

It has now been about 2 1/2 weeks. It has been an up and down battle. Pain is minimal. Exhaustion is high. Soreness comes and goes. This recovery is more challenging than any surgery I've had before, but I've been blessed with the BEST husband and family! Everyone has gone out of their way to help us by bringing dinner, watching Caleb, checking in, encouraging, and praying. The physical recovery is coming along, but it's not quite over yet. Prayerfully, I'll be pain free physically within the next few weeks, and I can't tell you how thrilled I'll be! It's going to be a huge burden lifted!

While the physical recovery will soon be behind me, the emotional recovery will take some time. I'm sharing all of this because I believe these stories NEED to be shared. There are far too many women who experience pain, infertility, loss, and grief, and all too often we hide it. We don't think anyone will understand. We feel alone.

We we are NOT ALONE. I am 26 years old. I have now had a hysterectomy. I've experienced a miscarriage. I will never carry a baby in my body. I will never experience pregnancy or childbirth. And I have an adopted son who is my WORLD! I've cried A LOT. I've grieved. I've asked why. I've told my husband he doesn't deserve this. I've experience an ugly jealousy. I've prayed. I've asked God why. And I know others have too. This post was to share about my physical journey. The next will be about the emotional journey. It's my prayer that while I write to get my personal feelings out, others can connect and find hope too.

**This is completely unedited. I'm an English teacher, so typos make me cringe, but a lot of times I write and then don't want to read what I've written for awhile. Please excuse any typos you may see!