Caleb was born almost a year ago. In the past year, we have received a tremendous amount of love, support, and encouragement. However there have also been some comments that haven't been as encouraging. I know most people genuinely mean well. They don't mean to be offensive in what they say, but some comments can come off the wrong way. Here are some of the comments we have heard throughout the last year that you should probably avoid saying to an adoptive parent!
"I could never pay that much to buy a baby." Or "Will you buy another baby one day?"
Ugh!!! One of my absolute least favorites for several reasons! First of all, buying children is illegal. Our son did not come from the black market. Yes, we paid an agency for their services. Fees include advertising for the agency, legal fees, matching and placement services, travel fees for agency staff, and many other things like this. We paid for agency staff to do the hard work of working with a birth mother, matching us, and handling everything so that all we had to do was fly to NC and meet our boy! And on another note, what is YOUR child's life worth? Wouldn't you be willing to pay ANY price to get to your child? Didn't YOU have hospital fees when your child was born? Perhaps insurance paid for most of yours. There are costs associated with bringing children into your family one way or another, but let's all agree that buying children and adoption are not the same thing!
"Are you still hoping for one of your own?!"
Listen, I get it. If you haven't personally experienced adoption yourself or through a close family member or friend, it may be difficult to understand the love that comes with adoption. That's okay! We didn't until Caleb came along either. I'll let you in on a little secret: the amount of love you have for a child you adopt is IMMEASURABLE! I literally forget that my son did not come from me. I look at him, and I'm filled with more love than I ever knew was humanly possible! I look at how my parents treat and love Caleb compared to my nieces, who are their biological grandchildren, and there is NO COMPARISON! I watch my sisters spoil my son, and the love in their eyes is the same as the love I have for my nieces. There is absolutely no difference. So please hear me when I say, Caleb is our own! He's our boy! Austin, Caleb, and I may all look different from one another, but we belong together! So, are we hoping for a natural pregnancy or a biological child? That's a better way to ask! (And the answer is no! That door is closed for us.) It may be an insensitive question for many families though, so why even ask?! Just celebrate that beautiful child that has joined their family!!
"Do you talk to his real mom?"
Well, I'm his real mom! But again, I truly do understand that this phrase doesn't come from a bad place. However, some acceptable phrases are birth mom, first mom, biological mom. "Real" is a hard word. The fact is Caleb's birth mom is his REAL bio mom. However I am his REAL forever mom.
"So can you not have kids?"
Y'all, just don't ask this. Trust me when I say, you may think you are close enough to this adoptive parent to ask such a difficult question, but I promise you if you don't know the answer, they probably don't want to discuss it with you. You don't know what people have gone through. Just don't ask this!!
"Why don't you just foster?"
I could go on a huge rant all about this one, but I'll try to keep it short! Foster care is noble and very much needed. In fact, it's in our future. However, foster care is NOT for everyone. It's OKAY to want to adopt an infant from birth. Don't make others feel guilty about this choice.
"Why don't you adopt older kids and teens? They need love too."
Again, I totally agree. In fact, MOST people will agree that there is a need for foster and adoptive families for older children and teenagers. It's absolutely true. Who knows, we may open our home to teens in the future. We don't know right now. But it drives me CRAZY when I hear people trying to make adoptive families feel guilty for wanting a baby. It's completely natural to want a newborn. Support families no matter their adoption path. I hear people who have never fostered or adopted all the time condemning others for adopting infants instead of teens. Then go adopt a teen! I genuinely believe all foster and adoptive families should be supported regardless of the age of the children. Teens DO need love and a forever family! But babies do too, and no one should be put down for whatever their journey is!
As I've already said, I know most of the time, these comments are made out of genuine curiosity. However, we do need to become more aware of how our words can come across!
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