Caleb is nearly one year old, and I can't believe it! The past year has obviously been filled with immeasurable joy, but it has also been really, really hard. I'm absolutely enjoying this time with my baby boy, and I know this time is fleeting, but if I'm being honest, I'm struggling. A lot.
I began feeling abdominal pain in April 2018. It started as a mild annoyance, but it quickly progressed. I remember in June 2018, I was teaching summer school, and the pain had gotten pretty bad. I remember walking through the school and feeling immense pressure and pain with every step I took. It hurt to sit, walk, sneeze, cough, or do anything that put even the slightest bit of extra pressure on my lower abdomen. I went to the doctor. That led to another doctor, which led to surgery, and on and on it went. ER visits, more tests, CT scans, blood work, colonoscopy, numerous medications, injections, a hysterectomy....you get the point. It was A LOT. And never with any answers.
In October 2019, everything seemed to get worse. I had decided to stay home with Caleb back in May, and by the fall, it was no longer a CHOICE, but a NEED. Pain kept getting worse. I would have these moments of excruciating pain that I can't even describe. It took over my whole body. These "flares" would last about 20 minutes or so, and then my whole body would feel sore as if it was recovering from something traumatic for several days afterward. It was terrible.
In early December I found out I had microscopic colitis after a colonoscopy. I asked the doctor if it could be the reason for the pain, and he said, "It could be." He started me on a steroid, and I started working to figure out trigger foods that upset my stomach, and I was able to narrow it down. Things seemed to be improving after Christmas!
Fast forward a couple weeks, and I was offered a position at a local preschool. It would be part time, and Caleb would be able to go. It sounded PERFECT! Two days a week, a little extra income, socialization for Caleb, and still time for appointments and time with my baby at home! I went to my first day on a Monday, and I felt like I was going to fall over by mid-morning. I got in my car that evening, called Austin, and just cried. I ached. I got home and rested, hoping the next day would be better. However, the next morning I was on my way out to my car, and Austin was helping me, but I was hurting badly and felt like I was going to throw up. I ran back inside and got sick. Austin told me not to go. I contacted to director and went to bed and crashed. I was sick in bed all week long. I was hurting and could barely stand up straight. Austin pretty much made the decision that I could not work until this was truly 100% under control.
It has been almost 2 weeks since then, and I'm still struggling. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. We're having to make some very difficult decisions for our family right now. I can't work. Austin is doing EVERYTHING on his own. He's working nightshift, which means he's gone at night and sleeps during the day, which means I'm alone dealing with Caleb, and it's HARD! It hurts to pick him up. It hurts to get in the floor and play with him. It hurts to lift him to the high chair. It hurts to load him up and walk him through a store in an effort to simply get out of the house. It hurts to deal with him when he throws a fit. (I know, I know. He's perfect, but he's learning what "no" means, and he doesn't like it.) It hurts to lower him into his crib. Everything hurts.
I have felt like a lousy wife and mom. I can't contribute financially, even part-time. Last night I simply gather clothes for the washer, and I was aching and sitting on the floor afterward. So that leaves pretty much everything to my husband. He's a saint. Right now he's grocery shopping with Caleb, which he always does so that I can rest. When he gets home, he'll cook dinner. He's off work tonight, so he'll put Caleb to bed. Tomorrow morning, he'll probably get up with him too. When I get up, he'll say, "When it's time for Caleb's nap, I'll lay down with him and you can go lay down too." He'll cook in the afternoon so the. fridge will be stocked for meals for me throughout the weekend so that I won't have to cook and it'll be easier on me. He'll go into work in the evening, and there's a strong possibility he will have already laid out jammies for Caleb and made sure bottles are all washed. On Saturday morning, he'll be getting home most likely as Caleb is waking up, or at least close to it. Austin will probably come in and take the monitor to another room and tell me to sleep for a couple more hours because most likely I only got a few hours the night before. He will get Caleb when he wakes up and feed him some breakfast and watch Mickey Mouse with him. When I wake up, Austin will go to sleep. I'll deal with Caleb throughout the day, and I'll honestly be near tears by the time Austin wakes up around 3 or 4 pm. He'll take Caleb for a little while so I can go lie down for an hour or so. He'll get ready for work and come in and wake me up and tell me it's time for him to leave, so I'll get ups again and go into the living room with Caleb. And this will go on throughout the weekend until Monday when he'll be off for a couple of days.
See? My husband is incredible. He does so much for our family day in and day out. As grateful as I am, I also feel extremely guilty. I feel inadequate in pretty much every way. We have had several struggles arise recently in addition to my daily pain. Life is just plain hard right now. I can't tell you how many tears I've shed because this season is overwhelming. Just two nights ago, I was about to break. I was hurting and struggling and so very tired. I called my grandma and asked if Caleb could spend the night. I felt horrible asking that because taking an infant overnight is HARD, but she didn't hesitate. She simply asked when he'd be there and what his bedtime routine was. Then my mom picked Caleb up from my grandparents yesterday afternoon, and he stayed overnight with them. This morning, my little sister kept Caleb while Austin and I went to my early morning appointment in Fort Worth. Austin's dad keeps Caleb every time we need help. And he has offered even when we haven't asked. (He offered to take Caleb for a little while last Saturday, and Austin turned him down! We got in the truck, and Austin was like, "Why did I not take him up on that?" I have no idea! HA!) My older sister always helps when she can. We truly have an amazing village. I don't know what we would do without them!
I feel so blessed and fortunate to have these people in my life. I'm thankful that my husband doesn't hesitate. He just does whatever is needed, and so does the rest of our family.
All of this gratefulness doesn't take away the disappointment I feel at the same time. I miss having fun and being silly. I miss laughing all the time. I miss teaching. I miss having a normal life. I want to be a more active presence in Caleb's life. I want to play in the floor with him and take him outside to explore. I want to take him to the zoo without having to leave early. I want to take him to the park! Oh he'd love the swings! I want to take him to the library, and when the weather gets nicer, I want to take him to the splash pad. When summer rolls around, I want to thoroughly enjoy our annual family vacation to Galveston instead of just sitting in the shade and watching everyone else have fun. I want to be the best wife to my amazing husband. I want to cook for him. (Okay, I actually hate cooking, but I would like to be able to serve him the way he serves me.) I want to go outside and enjoy the day together. I want to laugh and enjoy each moment. I want my life back.
I am a person of deep faith. I wholeheartedly believe the Lord has a plan and a purpose for the pain. I know I will receive healing at some point, whether it be in this life or in my eternal life with Him. He has walked us through the fire before, and I know He'll do it again. I know He will not leave me or forsake me, I KNOW THIS. But my human mind struggles sometimes. Satan attacks my thoughts during hard times. I cry and questions and feel very low.
But today the Lord reminded me of this verse. "From the end of the earth I will cry to You. When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I."-Psalm 61:2
My heart is extremely overwhelmed. Like....BAD. There is a lot going on my our little family right now that neither of us could have ever predicted. I honestly feel broken inside and out. We are both tired. This journey has been long, and it's not over yet. When I ask for prayer, I am begging you to go to the throne of God on our behalf. We need our village, the village that supported our adoption and helped us raise $20,000 in less than 4 months, the village that has loved our family and watched from near and far, the village I've met and the village I haven't, the village that stops me in Target and says, "I know you don't know me, but I've been following your story, and I've been dying to meet Caleb," the village who has blown us away; we need YOU. We need you to fervently pray for our family. Talk to the Lord of all the earth for us. Ask him for healing. Ask him for answers. We truly believe in the power of prayer, and we honestly need all we can get. I need my life back. My husband needs his wife. My son needs his mommy. So I'm begging. Flood Heaven with prayer for us. And we promise that we will do the same for you WHENEVER you need.
As I've said so many times, I am very grateful! We have had so much love and support, and it means so much!
No comments:
Post a Comment