Remember Who Your Enemy Is

It's no secret that our nation is severely divided. There has always been division, but these days seem extra bad. 

White vs. Black

Black Lives Matter vs. Back the Blue

Mask vs. No Mask

Open the Country vs. Shutdowns

Republican vs. Democrat

Conservative vs. Liberal

Trump vs. Biden

Person vs. Person

Social media, emails, tv, radio, signs, billboards...

The division is EVERYWHERE. And I don't know about you, but for me it's exhausting.

Last year we adopted the absolute most precious baby boy! Caleb has brought so much joy to our lives, and we are forever grateful for that crazy little boy! All I want for him is to grow up to love Jesus and others. I want him to work hard and be kind. I want him to stand up for what is biblically right while loving on every person he meets. I want him to be strong and courageous. I want him to seek God's will above anything else and use His Word to discern what is right in this world. I want him to one day be known as a faithful man of God who leads by example and looks for opportunities to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

I want him to always recognize that as a Christian, his enemy will never be flesh and blood. It's not the candidate we don't like. It's not the politics that drive us crazy. It's not the worldwide pandemic that has completely changed our lives. It's not the people on social media who seem to be looking for an argument. It's not the movements and "activists" who try to stir up hate.

No. Those are not our enemies. 

Ephesians 6:12 says, "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places."

YALL. In other words, our enemy is Satan. He causes dissension. He is the king of hate. He is evil. And if you are a born again Christ follower, he is your enemy. 

When you find yourself getting anxious or angry about the wickedness and division in our world, be sure to direct the feelings in the right place. It's not people. Sure, they may do or say things that frustrate, anger, or hurt us, but those are people we are called to love. Even when it feels so hard. Believe me, I'm just as guilty as anyone. The past few months have hurt me so much. It has been so very hard to see the negative comments about race AND the negative comments about law enforcement. It's all so overwhelming as a police wife with a black child. But I've had to really stop myself lately and remember that it's my job to simply love. My enemy has already been defeated when Jesus defeated the grave. I know how the story ends. My place in Heaven is secure. Now I have to focus on sharing the Good News with all those around me, even when it feels hard.

American Idol Had Me Sobbing

I've watched American Idol since I was a kid. I remember watching it with my parents when I was younger, and now that it's back, Austin and I watch every season! We like to laugh at the 'not so good' singers, and we marvel at the great ones! We offer our own critiques, and we love watching Lionel, Katy, and Luke go back and forth with one another.

American Idol auditions are known to have plenty of back stories that pull at your emotions, but there was one this week that left me crying like a baby!

Austin and I were behind two episodes and got caught up a couple nights ago. We watched the final audition episode first, and there was a contestant who caught my attention. Amber Fiedler. Amber walked in with her bright red hair and a big smile on her face. She was obviously pregnant and revealed that she was due in just two weeks! Katy Perry asked the gender. Girl. Then she asked if Amber had a name chosen yet. This is when Amber explained that she was actually placing the baby for adoption.

Cue tears! Austin looked at me instantly because he knew what was coming.

Amber explained that she was raised by her grandmother and had had a rough life. She knew she was not ready to be a mother, so she felt adoption was the best choice for the child. She went on to sing her audition song, she did a fantastic job, and she got the gold ticket to Hollywood!

Austin and I watched the first episode of Hollywood week next. Amber sang toward the very end of the episode. This episode was filmed just three weeks after she gave birth. She came on stage, and the judges asked how she was doing. Then we saw the most precious photos of this young woman with a beautiful baby girl. She explained what a joyous moment it was to see her daughter with her adoptive family. She broke down in tears in her interview and said the baby girl brought a lot of light to her life.

Y'all. I broke down. Like hands covering my face, shaking, tears streaming, broke down. Austin paused the tv as I wept.

I've been on the other side. I've been the adoptive mom excitedly and happily holding my new baby boy! I've met the woman who placed him with us. I've communicated with her for over a year now. I can't begin to fathom the pain, but I know it's there.

I beg each person who reads this to please open the link I'm copying below and watch the videos of Amber Fiedler on American Idol, especially the first video in the article. Watch the pain on her face as she breaks down into tears. Imagine all the emotions. I'm going to pause my writing. I'm putting a link here next, and I'm going to go watch it again myself. Please go do the same and then come back and finish reading! (You may have to actually copy and paste the link into another window!)

https://www.liveaction.org/news/pregnant-american-idol-contestant-adoption/?fbclid=IwAR3kMts3aE5tBphS74QBxeKNb2WSljfu3bdPlsnLbYWpdju7pyx_3ZiMobo

Did you see the love on her face in the photos with the baby? Did you see the pain as she cried? What you just witnessed is one of the most selfless acts of love imaginable. She chose life for her baby girl, and because of the state of her life, she didn't feel she would be able to provide the life that little girl deserved, so she chose adoption.

I will preach this until my dying day: adoption is BEAUTIFUL! It's so full of pain, grief, and loss, but it's full of joy too. I sat there on my bed, with my husband next to me, tv paused, and I wept. And to tell you the truth, I'm crying again right now. I watched this beautiful young woman pour her heart out on national tv, and all I could do was think about our precious 'Mama A.' I thought about that day when I hugged her in a hospital room in North Carolina, and I so badly wanted to wrap her up in a hug right then.

I pray Amber Fiedler is an inspiration to other women going through a similar situation. I pray she inspires others to rise up, just as she sang so beautifully. I pray other women who have already placed a child for adoption see her strength and are able to find their own. I pray young women considering adoption will do what's best for their unborn child. I pray adoptive families will see this and be reminded of the immense love it takes to do what Amber Fiedler, 'Mama A,' and so many other women have done. I also pray that all who aren't personally impacted by adoption and may have a negative view of birth mothers will watch this and see the selflessness involved.

I love our sweet 'Mama A.' I hope and pray she feels the love of Jesus through us and that she continues to find peace and joy through pictures of Caleb. (I mean, who couldn't?! He's perfect!) And I also hope Amber Fiedler wins this season of American Idol and goes on to achieve great things!

So as this season of American Idol continues, I can guarantee you there will be more tears from me! At least as long as Amber Fiedler continues!

The Phases Fade

Caleb is 13 months old, and he has become a major CLIMBER. He has been climbing on things for a few months now, but over the past few days, he's become a pro. We can't leave him in a room at all anymore without coming back to find him on top of something or climbing over a barricade. It's cute sometimes, but it's so incredibly frustrating at times too! I know injuries and a bumped head are inevitable, but with how he's climbing and diving into the things, I'm so afraid he's going to really get hurt!

This evening, Austin went to work, and Caleb turned into a monster. He was whiny and crying and clinging to me. He was so mad that I wouldn't let him climb on chairs. He got so mad that he threw himself backward from a standing position, all the way to the floor. He hit his head pretty hard on the living room floor. I'm sure it hurt, but he was fine. I told him he was fine and consoled him at the same time. As I was holding my screaming child who was exhausted and just being terrible, I was flooded with frustration. He was in the middle of a tantrum. He had just hit his head. He still wanted to climb on the chair. He wouldn't eat. He wouldn't drink. I felt helpless.

Finally I decided to just put him to bed a little early. The whole time I got him ready for bed, he cried. I put him on the changing table. He screamed. I tried to hand him a tube of diaper rash cream because he likes to play with something as I change him. He threw the tube across the room. I took his pants off him, and he straightened his legs and wouldn't bend them. At all. I tried to get a pair of footed pjs on him, but he wouldn't cooperate. The pjs were a bit small, so I couldn't get his leg in them with how he was behaving. I tossed them to the side and grabbed a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt. I finally got clothes on him, and I picked him up. He threw his head back because he was STILL screaming and crying, and I nearly dropped him. I turned on his music box, handed him his cup of milk, told him I loved him and goodnight, and I put him in his bed and walked out.

Two minutes later, he was asleep, and I was sitting in the living room in complete silence. I thought to myself, "This phase needs to end."

This phase of not eating anything. The phase of temper tantrums. The phase of climbing on everything. The phase of scratching.

But then another thought hit me, and I know it was from the Lord. "All the phases have faded without you even realizing it."

The phase of baby coos.
The phase of being held like a newborn.
The phase of smiles in his sleep.
The phase of sleeping on me quietly in church.
The phase of sweet smelling Dreft detergent.
The phase of trying sooo hard to utter his first words.
The phase of coaching him on how to roll, crawl, and walk.

The hard ones faded as well. The multiple nighttime feedings. The spit up. The heavy carseat carrier being lugged around. The constant bottles to wash. The screaming for the pacifier.

They all faded slowly, without me even realizing it. Suddenly it just hit me one day that my baby didn't like being held like a baby anymore and his baby coos had turned to words and yells! I just suddenly looked back and noticed certain things had stopped.

The same will be true for the current phase. One day he'll learn that climbing on furniture has consequences, whether it be an injury or discipline. One day he'll understand that he either eats his food or goes hungry. One day he'll learn to use words instead of tantrums when he's upset.
But one day he'll stop hurrying to mommy when he bumps his head. One day he won't need the music box to fall asleep. One day he'll put pajamas on by himself. It will all fade over time, the good, the bad, the hard, and everything in between. My baby has already faded into a toddler, and one day my toddler will fade into a big kid, who will then fade into a teen, and eventually an adult. It will happen gradually and quickly at the same time, and I pray I savor it all. Yes, nights like tonight will leave me frustrated and tired, and that's okay. As tired as I am, I'm so beyond grateful for each and every phase.

Wonderfully Awful

My cousin, Brandy, and I were texting back and forth a few weeks ago about our children. Between the two of us, we have four boys ages 3 and down! Noah-3, Judah-almost 2, Caleb-1, Micah-almost 1. A few weeks ago I sent Brandy a picture of Caleb in his first birthday outfit, and we went back and forth about how adorable he is and how we couldn't believe he was about to be a year old. Then we discussed how bittersweet it is to watch them all grow up. We talked about how motherhood is awful and wonderful all the same time. Brandy said, "Wonderfully awful. That needs to be the title of your next blog post!" Haha! So here it is!

I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mom! I love kids of all ages, and I always thought I was pretty good with kids. I worked with them at church, babysat, and became a teacher. I spoiled all the children in my life, and I had quite a bit of experience with children from birth to teenagers by the time I actually became a mom. I honestly thought I knew what to expect!

HAHAHAHA!

Yeah, I didn't! Sure, I was already a pro at changing diapers, and I had that natural baby hold/rock/bounce thing most moms have. Spit up didn't bother me, and I had learned some tricks for quieting a screaming baby. Blah, blah, blah. I was good with babies, but motherhood was a whole new beast.

I wasn't prepared for the wonderfully awful aspect of motherhood!

Like when you wake up to a wall of STANK coming from your infant's room, and you walk in to find a poop catastrophe E.V.E.R.Y.W.H.E.R.E.
Like when your baby screams every.single.time he's in the car. Like uncontrollable, top of his lungs, how is he even producing this sound kind of screaming.
Like when you look in your rearview mirror to find your toddler EATING HIS POOP. (Stolen from Brandy!)
Like when you try to give your child a fresh cup with a drink inside, but he insists on keeping the old cup. And he wants it empty.
Like when you are being very stern and getting on to your toddler, and he laughs at you.
Like when spit up is in your hair or on your shirt for four months straight.
Like when your baby gets really sick for the first time.
Like when you're losing your mind because you just need to get out of the house and talk to grown-ups, but your sick baby just wants to snuggle with mom while he drips snot all over you.
Like when you have to help nurses restrain your perfect little boy while they repeatedly attempt to start an IV because he's so dehydrated.
Like when tears are streaming down your cheeks because you know he'll soon forget this pain, but you'll remember this moment forever, and you'd give anything to take his pain away.
Like when you rock his precious little sleeping body and you suddenly realize he'll never be this little again.
Like when you listen to his giggle and wish so badly you could bottle up this moment to save forever!
Like when you see him take his first steps, and you know his world just got bigger, and you want so badly to protect him from it!
Like when you sit through graduations of older children, and someone says, "That'll be yours in the blink of an eye." And you want to hit the person and thank them for reminding you to treasure each moment all at once!
Like when you put him in his crib at night and look down at him and think, "One day you'll be gone from this house and in one of your own with a family, so I'm going to pick you back up and snuggle you a bit longer tonight."
Like when you pray for your little one and talk to him about Jesus even at a young age when he doesn't understand, and you realize that as much as you love that tiny little boy, His Creator loves Him EVEN MORE.

Y'all, it's wonderful to watch. And it's awful on your heart and emotions in the best possible way! The task of raising tiny little babies into strong, bold, and faithful men and women is huge. Saying, "it goes too fast," is so cliche, but it's TRUE! Austin and I are just one year in, but this one year has been the fastest of our lives. Motherhood is hard. It's messy. It's exhausting. It's filled with smells and all kinds of bodily fluids. It's awful! But goodness, it sure is wonderful!

Thick Skin & A Soft Heart

I have so much on my heart and mind, and I'm honestly not even sure where to begin or what to write. But here goes...

For several days now, the subject of race has been at the forefront of my mind. To be quite honest, I don't like that it has been. Since Caleb was born, we've received so much love, support, and encouragement from our family and friends. I've even been stopped in Target by a complete stranger who said she knew my older sister and felt like she was meeting a celebrity as she talked to Caleb! HA! People we don't even personally know have prayed and supported us, and it's truly incredible to witness.

We have experienced a few careless comments. I honestly don't think any of them came from malicious intent. It was more of a lack of understanding about adoption and interracial families. I can handle that. Even when the comments or questions are shocking, I can tell when it's sheer curiosity, and it's okay.

However, what is hard for me is when I get comments that almost seem degrading. What hurts me more than the comments is that I know my son is going to experience this throughout his life to some extent. He's black. His parents are white. He's adopted. I view all of these things as celebrations, but there are people in our world who don't, and it makes me ache.

Austin and I had extensive conversations about race before Caleb was born and before we even decided to be open to adopting any race. We knew adopting a child of a different race than our own would absolutely present certain struggles, but we felt the Lord's pull to open our heart to any race. We knew with complete confidence that God would provide all we needed.

Now here we are with a one year old. When I look at my baby boy, I simply see my baby boy. Austin and I are working to raise our sweet son to find his identity in Jesus Christ. I want him to look at the hearts and character of others when deciding who to befriend, date, and eventually marry. I want to teach him to have thick skin and a soft heart so he can learn to let things roll off his back while deeply loving others and serving Christ. I want him to work hard at all he does, and if things don't go his way, try again or move on. I do NOT want him to allow the world's view of him or anyone else to determine his decisions and beliefs. I want him to cling to his convictions and seek God's will above all.

What I have observed throughout my 27 years of life is that our society is working hard to blame others. Blame the teacher when your child gets a bad grade. Blame the coach when your child doesn't get enough playing time. Blame the other kid when yours gets in trouble at school. Blame the education system when you're not doing well in college. Blame the employer when you don't get the job. Blame the church when the world is full of sin. Blame the opposite political party for problems in the country. Blame another race for injustices you feel you're experiencing.

Enough is enough.

Is someone else to blame at times? Sure. Are we all the victim at some point? Possibly. Is it an uphill climb at times? Of course.

But when do we look in the mirror? When do we accept that EVERYONE has difficulties. EVERYONE has something stacked against them. EVERYONE can find SOMEONE to blame for SOMETHING.

And I just refuse to raise my son in this way. I don't want him to go through life with the mentality that the world is against him because he's black or he's in a white family or he's adopted. I don't want him to believe he is owed something.

My dad has always hated the word "deserve." Oh, I can practically hear his rant about it now! He taught us growing up that we don't deserve anything. If we want to get down to it, what we actually deserve is death according to the Bible. Romans 6:23 says, "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." Because each and every one of us have sinned, we deserve death. Hell. But because God loves us so much, He sent His Son to die and pay for our sins. Through faith in Him alone, we receive eternal life. So no. If we want to talk about what we actually deserve, its death. It's separation from God. (You see why we learned quickly not to tell him we thought we deserved anything? Imagine that speech every time! haha)

Austin and I are not raising our son to believe that he is owed or deserves anything because he's black or adopted. We aren't raising him to believe that we are either. We are raising Caleb to know he desperately needs a Savior just like we all do. We're raising him to be proud of his race and adoption story. We're raising him to fight for biblical truths. We're raising him to defend life, seek God's will, serve others, and walk by faith. We're raising him to be an overcomer through Christ.

We are not naive. We understand that the world is going to put negative thoughts in his head. It's inevitable. He will most likely endure racist remarks at some point. He will absolutely have difficulties in his life. As his mama, it weights so heavily on my heart as I think about my baby hurting. But I will always point him back to Jesus. I will always remind him of who God says he is. I will always teach him to stand firm in his faith and be confident in who he is in Christ because that's all that matters.

Austin and I are one year in in our process of raising a boy into a man. We're raising someone's husband. We're raising someone's father. We're raising a man of God. This is a task we do not take lightly by any means. I'm so thankful for the support system we have partnering with us to love our sweet boy!

Caleb's First Birthday!

My sweet boy's first birthday was last Thursday! It was a day full of fun and love. We took Caleb to get his first donuts! After the donut shop, we went to PetSmart to look at the animals. Caleb loved them all, especially the birds and guinea pig! He stared and giggled nonstop! Afterward, I took Caleb to Brooke's salon to get a haircut and then to Target. Caleb had a fun day, and so did we!

The following Saturday was his Mickey Mouse birthday party! It was so much fun, and we were so amazed by all the love of our family and friends! Caleb was so silly as we sang Happy Birthday, and he loved all the attention he was getting! (Austin and I have learned that this little boy truly enjoys being the center of attention! He's such a ham!!) Caleb got presents and really enjoyed opening and seeing them all. Toward the end of the party, he started pushing a little wagon around that he had gotten as a gift. He LOVED it! He was screaming and giggling and having a blast! The party couldn't have been more perfect for our boy!

Caleb Austin is a whole year old now! I can't believe how quickly time is passing. Our little baby is is becoming a toddler, and I know each phase and stage of his life are going to pass in a blink. Austin and I are both working so hard to savor each moment. We're still so amazed that the Lord has given him to us!

One year has passed, and we're praising God for it! I'm so looking forward to all the years to come as we watch God's plan for our sweet son unfold!

A Year

It's so crazy to think about how drastically your life can change in a single year!

On this day last year, I was connected with Christy, pastor's wife in NC. She had learned about our adoption through the grapevine. Actually, grapevine is completely wrong! It wasn't through the grapevine. It was through the power of the Holy Spirit working to connect people 1,000 miles apart! Christy told me exactly one year ago that she was going to reach out to her church family to see if anyone would be willing to open their home to complete strangers for 1-3 weeks! Oh, and these strangers would be bringing a newborn from the hospital, so there would need to be room for two brand new parents, the grandma, and the newborn! That's A LOT to ask!

But you know what?! People didn't hesitate! Less than 24 hours later, Christy texted that she had a home for us! Caleb wasn't due for over two more weeks, and the lady who was the first to volunteer her home was out of town but would return in a few days. No one thought that would be a problem! But then Caleb arrived two days later!

I called Christy after we got word that Caleb was on his way, and she quickly reached out to the others who had volunteered their homes as well. That's how we ended up with Wyatt and Lauren.

We were amazed that multiple families were so willing to open their homes to 3 adults and a baby for an uncertain amount of time, but that's what happens when God is involved!!

We hit the stinking jackpot with Wyatt and Lauren! They not only had a the perfect space for us, but they became the sweetest friends! They opened their basement to us, which was incredible! Plenty of space, our own kitchen and bathrooms, and it was soundproof, so we never had to worry that Caleb's newborn cries would disturb our hosts. Wyatt and Lauren made us feel so at home. They gave us privacy, but they were always so happy when we would venture upstairs for visits! They cooked meals for us, invited us to their church, gave us suggestions for restaurants and shopping, and best of all, they adored Caleb! During a time when we were homesick and in desperate need of family, that's what they became for us! I grew to love them so much so quickly, and when it was time to go, I couldn't hold back the tears. I cried all the way to the airport after hugging this precious couple goodbye!

I am hoping for the opportunity to visit Wyatt, Lauren, Christy, Christy's family, and their church again soon! We were beyond touched by them all! That all happened about a year ago, and I still keep in touch with them!

Now, a year later, I'm typing this as my baby boy naps in the next room. He'll be a year old in a few short days, and we are constantly amazed by how the Lord brought us to this point!

A Pause on Foster Care

I shared a few weeks ago that Austin and I were in the beginning stages of getting licensed to foster. This was after a long journey with health and Caleb's adoption. We thought health was headed in the right direction, but I experienced some setbacks recently. That is when we decided we needed to wait to foster or adopt again.

It's interesting to watch God work. The way He swings doors wide open or slams them closed. Caleb's adoption was a WIDE OPEN DOOR! It couldn't have been more obvious that it's exactly what the Lord was leading us to do. When we began discussing foster care, we got really excited. However, God has definitely closed that door, or at least temporarily! It's incredibly obvious that this is not the right time for us to foster. We were initially disappointed, but now that we can see how God is using this time for us, we have been reassured that this is what's right for us at this time.

We have A LOT of life changes happening right now, and we're in the middle of more medical tests for me. We hope and pray God leads us to foster care in the future. It's something we wholeheartedly want to do, but as with anything, the Lord's timing has to be right.

So for now, we are focused on health, our family, our precious little boy, and our relationship with and reliance on our God! He's working things out at all times!

When My Heart is Overwhelmed

Caleb is nearly one year old, and I can't believe it! The past year has obviously been filled with immeasurable joy, but it has also been really, really hard. I'm absolutely enjoying this time with my baby boy, and I know this time is fleeting, but if I'm being honest, I'm struggling. A lot.

I began feeling abdominal pain in April 2018. It started as a mild annoyance, but it quickly progressed. I remember in June 2018, I was teaching summer school, and the pain had gotten pretty bad. I remember walking through the school and feeling immense pressure and pain with every step I took. It hurt to sit, walk, sneeze, cough, or do anything that put even the slightest bit of extra pressure on my lower abdomen. I went to the doctor. That led to another doctor, which led to surgery, and on and on it went. ER visits, more tests, CT scans, blood work, colonoscopy, numerous medications, injections, a hysterectomy....you get the point. It was A LOT. And never with any answers.

In October 2019, everything seemed to get worse. I had decided to stay home with Caleb back in May, and by the fall, it was no longer a CHOICE, but a NEED. Pain kept getting worse. I would have these moments of excruciating pain that I can't even describe. It took over my whole body. These "flares" would last about 20 minutes or so, and then my whole body would feel sore as if it was recovering from something traumatic for several days afterward. It was terrible.

In early December I found out I had microscopic colitis after a colonoscopy. I asked the doctor if it could be the reason for the pain, and he said, "It could be." He started me on a steroid, and I started working to figure out trigger foods that upset my stomach, and I was able to narrow it down. Things seemed to be improving after Christmas!

Fast forward a couple weeks, and I was offered a position at a local preschool. It would be part time, and Caleb would be able to go. It sounded PERFECT! Two days a week, a little extra income, socialization for Caleb, and still time for appointments and time with my baby at home! I went to my first day on a Monday, and I felt like I was going to fall over by mid-morning. I got in my car that evening, called Austin, and just cried. I ached. I got home and rested, hoping the next day would be better. However, the next morning I was on my way out to my car, and Austin was helping me, but I was hurting badly and felt like I was going to throw up. I ran back inside and got sick. Austin told me not to go. I contacted to director and went to bed and crashed. I was sick in bed all week long. I was hurting and could barely stand up straight. Austin pretty much made the decision that I could not work until this was  truly 100% under control.

It has been almost 2 weeks since then, and I'm still struggling. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. We're having to make some very difficult decisions for our family right now. I can't work. Austin is doing EVERYTHING on his own. He's working nightshift, which means he's gone at night and sleeps during the day, which means I'm alone dealing with Caleb, and it's HARD! It hurts to pick him up. It hurts to get in the floor and play with him. It hurts to lift him to the high chair. It hurts to load him up and walk him through a store in an effort to simply get out of the house. It hurts to deal with him when he throws a fit. (I know, I know. He's perfect, but he's learning what "no" means, and he doesn't like it.) It hurts to lower him into his crib. Everything hurts.

I have felt like a lousy wife and mom. I can't contribute financially, even part-time. Last night I simply gather clothes for the washer, and I was aching and sitting on the floor afterward. So that leaves pretty much everything to my husband. He's a saint. Right now he's grocery shopping with Caleb, which he always does so that I can rest. When he gets home, he'll cook dinner. He's off work tonight, so he'll put Caleb to bed. Tomorrow morning, he'll probably get up with him too. When I get up, he'll say, "When it's time for Caleb's nap, I'll lay down with him and you can go lay down too." He'll cook in the afternoon so the. fridge will be stocked for meals for me throughout the weekend so that I won't have to cook and it'll be easier on me. He'll go into work in the evening, and there's a strong possibility he will have already laid out jammies for Caleb and made sure bottles are all washed. On Saturday morning, he'll be getting home most likely as Caleb is waking up, or at least close to it. Austin will probably come in and take the monitor to another room and tell me to sleep for a couple more hours because most likely I only got a few hours the night before. He will get Caleb when he wakes up and feed him some breakfast and watch Mickey Mouse with him. When I wake up, Austin will go to sleep. I'll deal with Caleb throughout the day, and I'll honestly be near tears by the time Austin wakes up around 3 or 4 pm. He'll take Caleb for a little while so I can go lie down for an hour or so. He'll get ready for work and come in and wake me up and tell me it's time for him to leave, so I'll get ups again and go into the living room with Caleb. And this will go on throughout the weekend until Monday when he'll be off for a couple of days.

See? My husband is incredible. He does so much for our family day in and day out. As grateful as I am, I also feel extremely guilty. I feel inadequate in pretty much every way. We have had several struggles arise recently in addition to my daily pain. Life is just plain hard right now. I can't tell you how many tears I've shed because this season is overwhelming. Just two nights ago, I was about to break. I was hurting and struggling and so very tired. I called my grandma and asked if Caleb could spend the night. I felt horrible asking that because taking an infant overnight is HARD, but she didn't hesitate. She simply asked when he'd be there and what his bedtime routine was. Then my mom picked Caleb up from my grandparents yesterday afternoon, and he stayed overnight with them. This morning, my little sister kept Caleb while Austin and I went to my early morning appointment in Fort Worth. Austin's dad keeps Caleb every time we need help. And he has offered even when we haven't asked. (He offered to take Caleb for a little while last Saturday, and Austin turned him down! We got in the truck, and Austin was like, "Why did I not take him up on that?" I have no idea! HA!) My older sister always helps when she can. We truly have an amazing village. I don't know what we would do without them!

I feel so blessed and fortunate to have these people in my life. I'm thankful that my husband doesn't hesitate. He just does whatever is needed, and so does the rest of our family.

All of this gratefulness doesn't take away the disappointment I feel at the same time. I miss having fun and being silly. I miss laughing all the time. I miss teaching. I miss having a normal life. I want to be a more active presence in Caleb's life. I want to play in the floor with him and take him outside to explore. I want to take him to the zoo without having to leave early. I want to take him to the park! Oh he'd love the swings! I want to take him to the library, and when the weather gets nicer, I want to take him to the splash pad. When summer rolls around, I want to thoroughly enjoy our annual family vacation to Galveston instead of just sitting in the shade and watching everyone else have fun. I want to be the best wife to my amazing husband. I want to cook for him. (Okay, I actually hate cooking, but I would like to be able to serve him the way he serves me.) I want to go outside and enjoy the day together. I want to laugh and enjoy each moment. I want my life back.

I am a person of deep faith. I wholeheartedly believe the Lord has a plan and a purpose for the pain. I know I will receive healing at some point, whether it be in this life or in my eternal life with Him. He has walked us through the fire before, and I know He'll do it again. I know He will not leave me or forsake me, I KNOW THIS. But my human mind struggles sometimes. Satan attacks my thoughts during hard times. I cry and questions and feel very low.

But today the Lord reminded me of this verse. "From the end of the earth I will cry to You. When my heart is overwhelmed,  lead me to the rock that is higher than I."-Psalm 61:2
My heart is extremely overwhelmed. Like....BAD. There is a lot going on my our little family right now that neither of us could have ever predicted. I honestly feel broken inside and out. We are both tired. This journey has been long, and it's not over yet. When I ask for prayer, I am begging you to go to the throne of God on our behalf. We need our village, the village that supported our adoption and helped us raise $20,000 in less than 4 months, the village that has loved our family and watched from near and far, the village I've met and the village I haven't, the village that stops me in Target and says, "I know you don't know me, but I've been following your story, and I've been dying to meet Caleb," the village who has blown us away; we need YOU. We need you to fervently pray for our family. Talk to the Lord of all the earth for us. Ask him for healing. Ask him for answers. We truly believe in the power of prayer, and we honestly need all we can get. I need my life back. My husband needs his wife. My son needs his mommy. So I'm begging. Flood Heaven with prayer for us. And we promise that we will do the same for you WHENEVER you need.

As I've said so many times, I am very grateful! We have had so much love and support, and it means so much!

Things NOT to Say to an Adoptive Parent

Caleb was born almost a year ago. In the past year, we have received a tremendous amount of love, support, and encouragement. However there have also been some comments that haven't been as encouraging. I know most people genuinely mean well. They don't mean to be offensive in what they say, but some comments can come off the wrong way. Here are some of the comments we have heard throughout the last year that you should probably avoid saying to an adoptive parent!

"I could never pay that much to buy a baby." Or "Will you buy another baby one day?"
Ugh!!! One of my absolute least favorites for several reasons! First of all, buying children is illegal. Our son did not come from the black market. Yes, we paid an agency for their services. Fees include advertising for the agency, legal fees, matching and placement services, travel fees for agency staff, and many other things like this. We paid for agency staff to do the hard work of working with a birth mother, matching us, and handling everything so that all we had to do was fly to NC and meet our boy! And on another note, what is YOUR child's life worth? Wouldn't you be willing to pay ANY price to get to your child? Didn't YOU have hospital fees when your child was born? Perhaps insurance paid for most of yours. There are costs associated with bringing children into your family one way or another, but let's all agree that buying children and adoption are not the same thing!

"Are you still hoping for one of your own?!"
Listen, I get it. If you haven't personally experienced adoption yourself or through a close family member or friend, it may be difficult to understand the love that comes with adoption. That's okay! We didn't until Caleb came along either. I'll let you in on a little secret: the amount of love you have for a child you adopt is IMMEASURABLE! I literally forget that my son did not come from me. I look at him, and I'm filled with more love than I ever knew was humanly possible! I look at how my parents treat and love Caleb compared to my nieces, who are their biological grandchildren, and there is NO COMPARISON! I watch my sisters spoil my son, and the love in their eyes is the same as the love I have for my nieces. There is absolutely no difference. So please hear me when I say, Caleb is our own! He's our boy! Austin, Caleb, and I may all look different from one another, but we belong together! So, are we hoping for a natural pregnancy or a biological child? That's a better way to ask! (And the answer is no! That door is closed for us.) It may be an insensitive question for many families though, so why even ask?! Just celebrate that beautiful child that has joined their family!!

"Do you talk to his real mom?"
Well, I'm his real mom! But again, I truly do understand that this phrase doesn't come from a bad place. However, some acceptable phrases are birth mom, first mom, biological mom. "Real" is a hard word. The fact is Caleb's birth mom is his REAL bio mom. However I am his REAL forever mom.

"So can you not have kids?"
Y'all, just don't ask this. Trust me when I say, you may think you are close enough to this adoptive parent to ask such a difficult question, but I promise you if you don't know the answer, they probably don't want to discuss it with you. You don't know what people have gone through. Just don't ask this!!

"Why don't you just foster?"
I could go on a huge rant all about this one, but I'll try to keep it short! Foster care is noble and very much needed. In fact, it's in our future. However, foster care is NOT for everyone. It's OKAY to want to adopt an infant from birth. Don't make others feel guilty about this choice.

"Why don't you adopt older kids and teens? They need love too."
Again, I totally agree. In fact, MOST people will agree that there is a need for foster and adoptive families for older children and teenagers. It's absolutely true. Who knows, we may open our home to teens in the future. We don't know right now. But it drives me CRAZY when I hear people trying to make adoptive families feel guilty for wanting a baby. It's completely natural to want a newborn. Support families no matter their adoption path. I hear people who have never fostered or adopted all the time condemning others for adopting infants instead of teens. Then go adopt a teen! I genuinely believe all foster and adoptive families should be supported regardless of the age of the children. Teens DO need love and a forever family! But babies do too, and no one should be put down for whatever their journey is!

As I've already said, I know most of the time, these comments are made out of genuine curiosity. However, we do need to become more aware of how our words can come across!

It's Been Awhile!

I don't believe I have written since September, so it has definitely been awhile!

Over the past few months, we have experienced several trials as a family. They have all primarily centered around my health. It's such a roller coaster, and every time we think we're making progress, we experience a backslide. It's exhausting.

Caleb is 11 months old, and I can't believe it! He has developed so much fun personality, and he's into everrryyythinggg!! haha! He's crawling and climbing and diving into things! He hasn't built up the confidence to take steps on his own yet, but he's closer and closer all the time! Caleb is such a smart little boy, and I'm so proud to be his forever mama!!

We're planning his first birthday party for next month! It will actually be 4 weeks from today! I can't believe how quickly time is passing. He's going to have a Mickey Mouse birthday, and I can't wait to see his reaction to the Mickey decorations, the cake smash, and being able to party with our family and friends! I just can't believe our precious Caleb Austin is almost ONE!

A year ago, we were in the middle of our adoption garage sale! It was our last big fundraiser, and we had no clue when our baby would arrive! We had no idea that a week later, a woman in North Carolina would choose US, and less than a month later, our perfect boy would be born! Adoption has changed our lives in the absolute best ways! I'm so grateful. While our adoption journey has been wonderful, it has also been hard at times. We started out with an excellent relationship with Caleb's first mama. Maintaining a close relationship with someone who is 1,000 miles away and is experiencing grief and depression is hard. At the end of the day, we only know one side of Caleb's first mama, and we genuinely love her from the bottom of our hearts. However, we have had to put some distance up while continuing to love and understand as best we can. At the end of the day, our top priority is Caleb. We want to raise Caleb to love his adoption story. We want him to love and appreciate his first mom. We want him to understand the enormous love that she has for him and that adoption is beautiful. It's something to celebrate! We want Caleb to have as much contact and information as possible as he grows, but we have to be cautious to ensure that everything we do is truly in HIS best interest and safety. It's hard! Adoption isn't over at finalization; adoption is a lifelong journey, and we're learning as we go! We're doing what we believe is best for our precious son each and every day, even when it's hard!