As I grew up, one thing was always certain, I was going to be a wife and mom one day. I didn't have this long sought after dream university. It took until freshman year of college to finally decide teaching was what I wanted to pursue. But hands down, I always wanted to get married and have children!
To be completely honest, I never expected adoption to be my calling. When I envisioned having children, a baby bump, childbirth, and ultrasound appointments were what I saw. I always thought it was awesome for people to foster and/or adopt, but I didn't think it was for me. Austin and I very casually talked about it before we were married and shortly after getting married, but we weren't sure if we ever actually would adopt.
After an extremely unexpected loss shortly after we got married, my thoughts became totally consumed with the desire to have a baby. I can't tell you how many pregnancy tests I took throughout our first year of marriage. Honestly, Austin doesn't know either! We had part of our budget worked out to give ourselves each a little spending money each month that we could spend however we wanted. Austin usually saved his so he could get something he was really wanting. I spent much of mine on pregnancy tests month after month. At the time, I wouldn't even tell Austin because I didn't want him to know how much time energy, emotion, and money was being eaten up in this way. There would be times when I just so sure! Austin would be at work, and I'd run to Target and buy more tests. Negative. I'd tell myself I was going to wait another week and test again. A couple of days later, I'd take the second test because I just couldn't wait any longer. Negative again. I'd wrap the negative tests in other trash in hopes that Austin wouldn't see them. One day I told Austin I had taken far more than he realized. He simply said, "I know. I've seen the trash." He knew how my heart was aching to be a mom. He knew how much I was consumed with it all.
I was having the daily pain I've discussed in another post by this point. We had no reason yet to believe we couldn't conceive and carry a baby naturally, but I was really struggling each day physically. The doctor wanted me to try some medicine that would make it near impossible to have a baby while taking it. He suggested taking it for quite awhile and trying for a baby later. I did NOT want to put a hold on a baby, but I knew I needed physical relief, so I agreed. Austin and I decided to adopt instead. We'd have a biological child later. Besides, adoption is known for being a lengthy process. We figured we'd just go ahead and get the ball rolling if it would take up to two years!
Fourth months later, Caleb was born! The medicine the doctor had prescribed earlier had made me sick and did not take the pain away, so I had stopped the medicine. We weren't getting pregnant still, but we had Caleb! We never, not even for a second, questioned adoption after the started the journey. We had prayed, talked with family and close friends, and extensively discussed it ourselves. We were completely sure that our firstborn was meant to come to us through adoption, and we were thrilled! There was always time down the road to have a biological baby.
We never expected to
never have a biological child. We really thought we'd end up announcing that Caleb would be a big brother one day. However, here I am at 26 years old recovering from a hysterectomy. Life very rarely pans out the way we plan, but it ALWAYS pans out the way God plans. Now, please don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I believe God plans bad things. In fact, I'm not getting into that here. What I do know is that my God is good, faithful, and sovereign. I know He planned for us to adopt Caleb. I don't know what else He has planned, but pregnancy, childbirth, and biological children aren't happening, and that's okay.
Now let me explain to you how my heart has shattered, grown, and rejoiced over the last year and a half.
Miscarriage. It's awful. Even when it's very early and unexpected. I wept and begged God to tell me WHY. It was unfair. Why couldn't THAT baby live? The feelings that follow can be so ugly. I pulled away from all my friends. I had to go to hospitals and hold newborns twice right after this happened to us. I vividly remember picking up my sweet brand new baby cousin in the hospital shortly after he was born, just days after losing my own. I held him and stood over his mama, who is my cousin and best friend, and I wept. I was thrilled to be holding my cousin's baby, but my heart was shattered. A little over a month later, I had to do it again. We went to visit another dear friend's brand new baby in the hospital. I held it together, but it was HARD. I was supposed to be okay. It's had been over a month. I should be moving on. I should simply be overjoyed for my sweet friend and her family. But I was hurting. Another friend was getting married the next month. A friend I loved so much. A friend who had been a wonderful bridesmaid to me. I was now a bridesmaid for her, and I was not my best. I was forgetful. I was physically and emotionally hurting and exhausted. I was experiencing some depression. I failed as a friend during the happiest time of her life. I went to another cousin's baby shower the next month. I didn't want to go, but I kept telling myself, 'It isn't about you. It's about them. Go celebrate this baby.' I sat in this room filled with family as I watched my cousin's wife with her adorable baby bump open gifts. I watched as a little memory book about her pregnancy was passed around. I saw a picture of a pregnancy test inside. It was positive. My trash can at home was filled with negatives.
Then one night as Austin and I were jumping into our adoption journey, my friend told me she was pregnant again. She had been so nervous to tell me. In fact, she cried as she told me. I felt a burning in my chest as I heard the words. I remember getting into the truck with Austin, and I burst into tears. Austin didn't know what to say. I yelled, "Why do THEY get to have ANOTHER ONE?!" It just seemed so unfair. I stayed up nearly all night long that night crying.
I threw all my time and attention toward adoption. I wanted to be mom more than anything. Adoption, in and of itself, is an emotional rollercoaster. I've shared all about that in early blog posts. We faced rejection, fear, and emotional exhaustion. It felt like so long, but in reality we had an incredibly fast adoption journey. The amount of bumps, tears, prayers, and unknown that we experienced in just four months was unreal.
While I was focusing on adoption, I was still struggling. There were countless insensitive comments, most of which were truly innocent. Can you just not have babies? How many losses have you even had? Why are you rushing into adoption? Will you still have a baby of your own one day? Infant adoption is actually kind of selfish; you should just foster. How much does it cost to buy a baby? I bet you'll get pregnant now!
I could go on, but that's enough! We were thankful to be adopting. Caleb is the absolute greatest joy and gift! Just because you are happy and excited to adopt doesn't mean you aren't still hurting. Pregnancy announcements, gender reveals, baby showers, insensitive remarks, etc. were all so hard.
After Caleb was born, that boy became OURS. 100%! We still assumed we'd end up giving him a little brother one day. As I shared in my last post, pain got worse, and a hysterectomy was next. I got to the point where I was welcoming this surgery. I wanted to feel good for my son. I didn't care if we never had another child. I couldn't spend my days missing out on the child we DO have. While I was ready for the hysterectomy and was extremely confident in the decision, it was still hard to accept that I'd never know pregnancy and childbirth. It wasn't a matter of wanting a biological child who looked just like us. I wish I could have experienced it all with Caleb and still have gotten the exact same baby! Curly headed, smiley faced, black boy and all! We knew infant adoption would be difficult to do again due to expenses, so we didn't know what would lie ahead or if Caleb would ever have siblings. That's what is hard. The unknown.
I have had friends who have avoided even telling me they were pregnant because they knew how the news would affect me. Hearing that other families 'weren't even trying' and got pregnant for the third time is hard. Watching friends' baby bumps grow sends little pangs of sadness. Watching siblings horseplay is difficult because I don't know if Caleb will have that. But more than all of that, I have experienced jealousy. It's an ugly thing. I catch myself still sometimes wondering why some people have babies left and right while we're over here paying off an adoption loan and surgery bill. I've wondered what it's like to see that pink plus sign on a pregnancy test and plan some cute announcement and gender reveal. I've rolled my eyes, avoided baby showers, changed the subject when people talk about their pregnancy, and questioned so many things. I've wondered if my husband is secretly incredibly disappointed that he'll never look at a baby and see himself or if he feels like he's missing out. I've had a buildup of anxiety. I've cried and cried and cried, and I have been in a pretty dark place. Since surgery, I've gone back and forth between feeling grateful and sad. I've felt broken. I've clung to my husband or best friend and sobbed to the point of shaking asking why this is happening. I've been so sick and tired of the physical and emotional pain. It hasn't been pretty!
Then I'm reminded when I look at my beautiful 7 month old son that HE is my why. If pain and loss and grief had to happen to lead us to him, I wouldn't change a thing. He was meant to be our boy, and we were meant to be his mom and dad! Will we ever give him a younger sibling? We don't know! It won't come from us! Will there every be another infant to live in our home? Probably not. The truth is we don't know what lies ahead for our family. We've discussed a few options for several years down the road, but only time will tell. We've talked about adopting an older child at some point. (Don't ask us when or how old or literally anything! We don't know when or if this will even happen.) We've talked briefly about fostering later. We've even discussed surrogacy possibilities. (That one's probably a no!) My point is that IF our family is going to grow, we have a lot of options for later. One thing we know is that our boy has several cousins to grow up with! (One of which is only two months younger than him! Just imagine all the memories they're going to make! And all the trouble they're going to cause! lol)
Our journey to this point has truly been a roller coaster. We never expected any of it, but I see the joy that has already come from it all, and I can see that there's more to come! We adopted a baby! Not only did we adopt the best boy of all time, but the Lord has placed such a love for adoption within us. This journey was meant to bring us Caleb, but it was also meant to open our hearts. It was meant to stretch us. It was meant to lead us to become advocates for children and adoption. I have had countless people reach out to me since Caleb's adoption to ask for more information. More people are being led to adopt. If all the pain, heartache, tears, and struggles led us to Caleb, they're worth it. But if it goes beyond Caleb and leads others to adopt and fight for life and adoption, it's EVEN MORE worth it!
I have been researching ways to spread adoption awareness, encourage others to adopt, help others adopt, etc. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God can take broken, ugly, dying, and dry pieces, and give them meaning. He can breathe life back into the lifeless and hope into the hopeless. He can give children to the barren! Through her body or through adoption, He can make it happen.
The Lord has given us our child, and we will never stop praising and thanking Him for Caleb. He is still working on my heart. He is still placing the broken pieces together. He is still speaking to my soul and guiding us to what comes next. Grief and healing take time. It's a bumpy journey to get from shattered to whole, but through Him, it's possible. I'm trusting Him to continue taking such a difficult experience and turn it into something that leads others ultimately to Him.
If you have experienced loss and/or infertility, please know that I'm here. I can listen, share my experience, pray, and love you. You don't have to worry about hiding the fact that you've felt jealous and angry. I get it. Don't let the pain and fear consume you.
If you're considering adoption and would like to know where to start, reach out! I can help you in your infant adoption journey, but I have learned about other types of adoption and foster care, and I can point you in the right direction. Don't let fear stand in the way. We were terrified of the the financial aspect, but it came together. It can for you too!
It has been on my heart to share this side of our journey for a long time. I was always very open about our adoption, but I've been more private on just how much I have struggled emotionally. Infertility and loss can turn you into someone you're not if you allow it. I've allowed it! But I'm tired. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of aching. I'm tired of feeling like my joy and happiness about having Caleb means I'm somehow supposed to get over the pain I've felt. You can feel both! And you can find a way to allow that pain and grief to become something beautiful.
**This is completely unedited. I'm an English teacher, so typos make me cringe, but a lot of times I write and then don't want to read what I've written for awhile. Please excuse any typos you may see!
